(TRISH)I was inspired by Chris’ blog today. Wow. To be so honest. I have quietly struggled all during the holidays and always do. To read emails (from my family) telling me of stories and memories my parents are building with my brother and sister’s kids and they don’t even know mine! They send me a check every year and this year they even said they didn’t know what size my kids were or what they would want. This is not the heritage I want for my kids. I yearn for my parents approval even to this day and I know that it will never happen. More this year than ever. And the challenge for me is to accept it and move on. I cannot allow the enemy a stronghold in this any more. I have never really shared my personal story with my blog friends, but here is a mini synopsis.

I was born to a couple of kids. They didn’t have to get married, they just did. They broke up for a while and tried to reconcile and there came me. Mom was 19 when I was born. My blood father abandoned us. He doesn’t like me to believe this, but I do especially since he has lame excuses about why he didn’t bother to look me up for 14 years. Any way, my mom wasn’t stable to begin with. She had terrible issues of her own. She was in NO way prepared for a child. She told me once that she wanted to give me up but her parents wouldn’t let her. She spent her pregnancy alone. She had me on Jan 26 right after a terrible blizzard had blown through St. Louis. She told me she didn’t even want to hold me. She hated me from the womb because I changed her life. She didn’t want me and made it obvious just about daily. Except at Christmas. The one time of year I felt love from her. She always gave us a wonderful Christmas, attitude and all. I would venture to guess this was at least one time of year my Dad got laid. She was always so happy. I used to wish it was Christmas all the time. Then when I was 8, my mom was pregnant with my sister and I was making comments like, I’ve got Daddy’s eyes or ears and they decided to tell me that my Daddy wasn’t my blood Daddy. I was different. I was hurt and confused. I love my Dad and he adopted me and raised me as his own and I was devastated beyond what I can express to find out that they had lied to me all those years. This was also around Christmas.

My parents divorced when I was 13. I was experimenting with drugs/ sex & rock & roll. They didn’t know what to do with me because my family was Mormon and I didn’t fit their MOLD. Instead of asking me what was wrong or attempting to help me, they shipped me away. Between the ages of 13 & 17, I lived in 11 different homes. Including my blood father whom I had only met once. And when I look back, I wasn’t really all that bad compared to stories I’ve since heard from other addicts, etc. I lived in a fog because reality was tooooooo painful. No body wanted me. This is only a short version of the whole story. My struggle to this day at times is wondering if Jesus really wants me. Does he really love me? How could he? Noone else did??

I have spent a lot of years beating myself up because I still suffer emotionally over this. I thought that since I am a blood bought Christian that I should have been healed a long time ago. Perhaps I don’t have faith. Perhaps I am not really saved. These are questions I’ve asked over and over again! But, the wonderful thing of all of this is that God has allowed me to counsel hurting people. To listen to their pain. To help them walk through the other side. Like Chris, I think some wounds just won’t heal. I too will not allow the enemy to keep me down. I will hold my head up high and walk through this. Yearning to see what God has in store and seeing my children’s beautiful faces has kept me trucking on. And the amazing encouragement from my husband who has so faithfully loved me every time I get down. Who has prayed for me for years. Who has stood by me no matter what. Who has shown me love and tenderness that noone else has. He is my family and I am blessed. Chris showed me today that we feel so alone and yet, we aren’t. Through our own wounds, we can help heal others. Thank you Chris. Thank you for telling the truth.

Favorite Christmas Songs/Albums?
In an attempt to focus on Christ during this season I've been listening to some Christmas music. I particularly like Blues For the Child by Lanny Cordola and Phil Driscoll's Christmas albums. I really love the Vertical Horizon song "The Man Who Would Be Santa". What greater gift can we give our kids than to give them what we have and point them toward Christ...

And the man who would be Santa slips into the room
And the hour of daylight's yet to come but he hopes they don't wake too soon
All the presents wrapped in paper and tied with a bow
The children sleep upstairs and Santa works below
And he can hear the children dreaming

Chorus:
And he says
All I want is for you to have
A life you love and live
Take from me all I have to give
Because you are in my heart

And the man who would be Santa tells his son to write
And to call him if he needs him in the middle of the night
Don't you worry don't you cry now you'll do just fine
Your mother and I love you
We think about you all the time
And he can see the train is leaving

Chorus

Now the old man sits and tells of days when time stood still
The hours always seem to fade but the memory never will
All the love that you gave me
All the dreams in the night
And I just want to thank you while the day's still light
But I can see the sun is setting

Chorus

Can you smell what the Lord is cooking?!
(Trish) I see all you guys discussing emerging church and books about Hearing God’s voice and community. I sit here day after day and hope that one of you would give us a clear answer. That God will speak to me through you. There are helpful and even beautiful discussions out here but, Not one of you has answered what to do next. This is not a criticism, just an observation.

We at some point in time will be leaving “The Church.” I have no doubt of that, but how do we deal with what we are going through now? How do we live in two worlds? How do we pull the plug and walk away? I have been praying for clear direction for 3 years and you know what, we are just now getting a glimpse of what God might be telling us to do. We are willing! We are hungry! We are able through Jesus Christ! But what do we do now, during the wait. Is God still preparing us for something? Are we not seeing or hearing what he’s saying to us? Is he saying anything? I have to tell myself the story of the Israelites who wandered for 40 years. 40 YEARS! What is 3 or 5 years compared to that? We, whether we want to admit or not, have fallen into fast food mentality. We want it now. Most things in our world are available NOW. But the Lord’s ways are not our ways. He is a slow cooker. We must smell and savor what he is cooking allll dayyy long! And our mouths are watering and the smells are so wonderful and strong that we could swim in them. For 3 or more years we have been experiencing the slow cooker. I am so ready for a big fat bowl of that stuff. But maybe God wants to do something else first. Maybe we need to be even more patient. Maybe we need to “listen” for God’s voice. Maybe we are not ready for what He is going to do through us.

Still in need of a gift to help that special friend find the true meaning of Christmas? Click here for the 12 Days of Kitschmas!

Check out Chris' article for Dec. 11th on the Incarnation. Great thoughts! I wasl flipping through cable the other day and heard a local pastor railing against the evils of piercing and tatoos. He warned the young people to wait until they got home to remove the piercings.... My guess is, they will go home and stay there. They probably won't return next week.

My pastor had a discussion with some of the other local pastors about our culture. They told him that we shouldn't expect anything more than from our culture than to slip into ungodliness. I have been telling him that for awhile, but he still thinks that as a "Christian" nation, we should legislate morality. I hesitate to turn him on to stuff like this quite yet.

The fights we choose tell us a lot about ourselves. Some people want to rely on the government to bring about the Kingdom. Some people have put their trust in parachurch organizations. Some have put their trust in a personality, a structure, or a system. When the system of theology, the pastor, the liturgy etc. that we have put our trust in comes under fire, we fight. We fight because we are ignorant of the God who transcends personalities, systems and structures. We fight because it is easier to defend tangible "enemies" rather than engage in spiritual warfare. We fight because we have to defend our investments. We fight because we have a feeble view of the Kingdom.

+God, give us peace. Help us see the enemy. Keep your Kingdom in our sight.+

I got to have lunch with two good friends and fellow Christ-followers yesterday. We talked about Kingdom things and the possibility of going the emerging church route. Being an analytical type of person, I want to be sure that my motives are right. I want to be sure that I am not just leaving something, but journeying to something. I asked the guys the question that I have been asking myself: In the current church I attend, can I commit to and follow through in the kind of deep, lasting relationships we think are vital to our spiritual transformation; and do I have the time, freedom etc. to carry out the missional work we have been called and sent to participate in? Some additional questions that come to mind: Am I empowered and free to follow God's call in my life? Is the ministry that I do helping others to be spiritually transformed?

My thought is if the answer to these questions are "no", then I have to seek a new form/structure/vessel (whatever you want to call it) where I can say "yes".

God must be at work.... Trish wrote her latest post before I woke up and it's the same thing that theme that we talked about at lunch. In response to my concerns about hurting the "church" in our departure, my friend Tom quoted John Eldridge to me. "Let others feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it." Good advice!

(Trish) Quote of the day:

"Be who you are and say what you think, because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant.. I was reading yesterday http://watercarriers.blogspot.com/ and I felt such a surge of freedom that I could hardly contain it! Then, Dr. Seuss appears on my desk and well, here I am sharing with you. May we dance in the freedom we have in Jesus today and may we share it with others. Be who you are! Be who Abba created you to be.

(Trish) We have an opportunity to practice some real fruits of the spirit! We sold our beautiful mobile home about 2 months ago. To make a very long story short, the lady had her daughter call last night to tell us that she was backing out on the deal. I was instantly angry. I was so suprised by my anger. The juicy things I wanted to do and say to this woman. You can imagine I am sure. But my sweet husband is wise and when we sat down to eat, a meal that was no longer appealing, he prayed for her and he asked our Father to give us strength to do the right thing in this matter. My heart melted and I was back in reality. Friends and family in the blog world, I am asking you this morning to pray for us. I believe this is an opportunity for change that comes for God to occur in our family's heart. Pray for this woman that God will bless her and that they will find what they are looking for.. Pray that Roger and I deal with this with Grace & Mercy..

We've moved!

We had the help of about 10 people and got all of our stuff moved in a half a day. My back is not in great shape, but it could be worse. We have 2Mb DSL now! I'll get to see your Blogs in nonoseconds! We still have a lot of unpacking and house updating to do, but it's nice to have some room and a place to fellowship with others.....

(Trish) Roger and I were talking on the way home last night (after a really good time of worship! And fellowship!) about the fact that some of us are just going nuts right now. And I remembered that when we were in NA that around the holidays we would “beef up” our support for one another. A lot of people were abandoned by their families and they had no where to go. There was always someone in the fellowship who would open their home for such folks. We would pot luck and play games and sometimes we would even give gifts. For some it was the family they never had. For some it was really painful and emotional and they just simply could not participate. They would hide until December 26th. This year my eyes are open to the parallels that are between NA and house church, community living. I want to embrace the folks that we’ve left behind. Who need us to hold their hand or give them a little present to recapture some lost part of their childhood. I want to facilitate healing and reconciliation. I want to see God heal and mend broken hearts. That would be an amazing gift. My prayer is for the lonely and broken. My prayer is that you would do the same. Don’t get so caught up in the “Christmas stuff” that you forget what is truly important.

On a happier note! I was so incredibly proud of my husband yesterday! Hannah (our 6 year old) was a goose in a little play they did at school. Roger went out, bought all the stuff, used hot glue and made this darling costume of her! ALL BY HIMSELF! And some of the moms when she came out were making comments about how cute this costume was and who made it for her! I bet they were thinking her Mom did! But nope. Not a lick of help from me. Being a stay at home Dad has truly changed Roger. It’s a beautiful site to see. A few years ago he wouldn’t have touched this one with a ten foot pole! Thank you honey for being such a great Daddy! I love you..

Artist: Disciple
Album: This Might Sting A Little
Song: I Just Know

what makes you different from one another
why do you argue about who you follow
there is no man that you belong to
there's only one God that can claim you (1 Corinthians 3:5-7)

I don't care if you don't speak in tongues (1 Corinthians 13:1)
I don't care if you're into submersion (Matthew 3:16)
what does it matter if wear a liturgical robe
Or prophesy and say God said so (1 John 4:1)

I just know Jesus is the way
I just know Jesus is the truth
I just know Jesus is the life
I know that Jesus is my God (John 14:6)

do you serve your name or do you serve mankind
would you feel the same if they took down your sign
could you sit next to me if I was Baptist or Presbyterian
or do I need to be a charismatic or Episcopalian (Acts 2:17)

I don't care if you drink grape juice or if it's wine (Matthew 26:27- 29)
and I don't care if you get out of church on time
what does it matter if you praise God with music in your church (Psalm 150)
or you burn your dead or bury them six feet in the dirt

I don't care if you clap your hands (Psalm 47:1)
I don't care if you get out in the aisle and dance (Psalm 149:3)
what's it matter if someone lets out a hallelujah shout (Psalm 100:1)
have we forgotten what praising Yahweh is all about

Moving On....

We are moving into our house on Friday! We bought an older home here in historic Highland, IL. We have been living in a singlewide mobile home for the past two years. I guess I can't call myself the "Trailer Park Mystic" anymore. I am looking forward to having some privacy and room to entertain (I love paradox!). We pray that God will draw people to himself in our living rooms and kitchen. Highland needs some subversive community!

This move should be interesting considering my back is just healing up. Pray for good weather and strong backs!

COMMENTS!

Due to popular request, and some threats (Bill), I have implemented comments until I move to T1Host.

Looking forward to the dialogue!

Serving

I've been experiencing the frustration of trying to live a Missional/Kingdom life in the confines of an institutional church setting for awhile now. I try to remain emotionally detached enough from the church to keep doing what I feel God has called me to do without getting to involved in the day to day, political B.S. that goes on. I know that this form of church is not transforming people spiritually, but I feel like if I bail out it would be for selfish reasons at this point.

We have been meeting with a group of people for a few weeks that want to develop relationships and grow spiritually. They are catching a vision for what God wants to do as we meet together. The church I serve at has a lot of people who were raised in the Catholic tradition and have do idea what spiritual transformation is about. I'm not knocking Catholicism, but for the most part, these folks are ignorant of spiritual/biblical/Kingdom things.

Through this God is teaching me about servanthood. I don't mean just doing a good deed here and there, but where you give up your desires and dreams to minister to people where they are at. I still have a subtle consumer mentality that asks "What am I going to get out of it?" When I was in the pissed-off stage of dealing with the institutional church that's kinda what I was asking. Am I getting fed? Am I getting anything out of this worship service? Is there anyone around here to challenge me in spiritual transfomation? Is there anyone to mentor me? Will I have the opportunity to do creative worship? The answer to these questions was, and still is, NO. The difference is that I have resolved that I'm not going to receive any of those things at my church. I am there to serve.

In "Life Together" Bonhoeffer says, "A pastor should not complain about his congregation, certainly never to other people, but also not to God. A congregation has not been entrusted to him in order that he should become its accuser before God and men. When a person becomes alienated from a Christian community in which he has been placed and begins to raise complaints about it, he had better examine himself first to see whether the trouble is not due to his wish dream that should be shattered by God...Let him pray God for an understanding of his own failure and his particular sin, and pray that he may not wrong his brethren.

Ouch! So I have to accept my brothers where they are at and forego my desires and dreams for their benefit. I have to learn to feed myself and intentionally seek out those who can challenge and mentor me in spiritual relationships. Sounds like servanthood to me. Now I need the power to live it out.... I could feel differently about all this tomorrow.

My Friend Blue

(Trish) A long time ago in a land far away... Nope just kidding! I have this incredible friend named Blue. We met in the height of puberty and found a sort of common place together. I don’t know that we would have survived certain things with out each other. We were supposed to be friends. She has loved me at times when others rejected me. We have watched each other go through terrible, ugly things. You know the things that Satan takes you to that are so far beyond who you are that you can barely look at yourself in the mirror because of how low you’ve stooped. We have cried and laughed and a slew of other things together. And she was one who first told me about Jesus and back then I was like, right! This guy from the past loves me?? No way.. We drifted a couple of times and when we got back together, it was like we were never apart.

After 20 some odd years, we are an answer to many prayers! Her parents along with Rob Graham and a bunch of other people used to pray for us! Wow! Now, we are both on the same page. We both love Jesus and kingdom living. We are both in loving marriages. And we still love each other all that much more. Isn’t God just absolutely amazing?? To bring two losers back from the dead??

Thank you Jesus for my best friend and Sister.
Love you Blue. Thank you for loving me.

Church?

(Trish) This weekend was eye opening to me. I realized that I am still disenchanted with CHURCH and that there's a big part of me that can’t bare the thought of leaving one person behind. I am angry at the finely tuned machine we have become. I am angry that we need bodies with bank accounts to fill our churches so we can pay for our churches and give really little or nothing to the person giving his/her money. Is this what Jesus wants? I think not.

In our group on Friday night I sort of let all of this out and I think I may have offended someone when I suggested that at times I feel like I am being disobedient by continuing to go to CHURCH. I was told that this person feels like they are being disobedient by not going. I used to feel that way too thinking that somehow we could facilitate change. That my presence and attitude could make them change their mind! I think it’s not possible unless God directly intervenes. And I am not sure at this point he will.

Let me say that we went to NA for several years and we were ministered to and we were able to minister to others. However, we hit a spiritual plateau of sorts, felt the pull of Holy Spirit and started going to church. We were blessed because we found a group of believers that nurtured us back to health. But even then there were times that Roger & I would talk about how people were treated better in NA than in the church! How can this be!? The very Bride of Christ doesn’t practice the heart of what our Savior taught! We don’t love! We don’t really care that there are people out there who have never heard the Gospel! We are comfortable in our buildings and have committees that are designed to come up with new and great ideas on how to get people to the building! This generation does not want or need to go to a church that has no idea where the culture is or where it’s going. Kids of today won’t jump up and down when they see a church marquee that reads,” Our choir is 50 years old! Come celebrate with us!”

I will stop ranting for now. My eyes are open and I see the truth and it still hurts. I pray that I will be open to Holy Spirits leading when an opportunity presents itself for me to minister & to love.

Get Off My Back!

So I've been dealing with back problems for about two months. Tried physical therapy, muscle relaxers and exercises. The Dr. finally sent me for x-rays and it turns out I have a fractured L5 vertebrae! I have no clue how or when it happened either. I go for an MRI Monday and will talk to the Dr. again on Wednesday. Hopefully get some help.....

Since Trish blogged about her feelings on I Am Sam, I guess I will too.... I was struck by the little girl who kept getting out of bed and going to her Father's house in the middle of the night. The Father would bring her back and the next night she would do it again. I was reminded about my own longing for "home". A place that is comfortable and safe. Where I'm comfortable in my own skin (or new skin). Where I know that there is love waiting. Where I can know and be known. I think the closest thing on earth is real community. But, even real community at it's best is a poor representation of what waits for us around the corner...when we can take off our fig leaves and walk together in the Garden.

I Am Sam

(Trish) After reading Syndie’s blog yesterday morning I decided to go out and get “I am Sam.” WOW. Like she said, I was not prepared for this movie! I hadn’t even heard about it till yesterday and a flood of emotion came over me.

When I was 17 I got pregnant. I wanted a quick fix because I knew once my mother found out I would probably die. I wasn’t old enough to have an abortion and besides, the clinic I went to showed the sonogram and I went home that night and had nightmares. I couldn’t do any way. So now what? My aunt came to visit and we discussed the possibility of adoption. At first I was like, I don’t know about that. When you’re in this situation, NONE of your choices are easy. This is one reason why God wants us to have sex within marriage. Any way, time started rolling on and I started to grow and to love the little person in my body. Mom kicked me out and I lived in Foster Care with a 300 or 400 lb woman who was into herbs! I wanted FOOOOD! I was hungry! So, I had to do the welfare thing and food stamps for a while because my family wouldn’t help me. Well after visiting a few adoption agencies I decided no way. Back then they kept your baby in foster care for 6 weeks and I wanted my baby to go right home. There were other reasons but, I could type all day! I then found a private lawyer. He was terrific. We became friends and I spent time with him every week. In retrospect, he was probably screening me or trying to find out what kind of fiber I was made of.

On July 6, 1985, I gave birth to 9Lb 22 ¾ inch boy! He was perfect! Part of the deal with the lawyer was that I got to see him and spend 3 days with him. I got to hold and love and do a lot of kissing. I had a lifetime of those things to do in 3 days. The day arrived too soon to say good bye. God was so with me. I wasn’t a Christian yet, but I had clarity. I had strength of 10 men. I knew that I could not raise this baby the way he deserved. The lawyer came and the last thing I said to my son was, “Now you eat all your peas when your Mother tells you to.” I cried for days. I plotted all the ways I could keep him and get him back. I could get on welfare and work and do the day care thing. I was miserably alone and depressed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I look at my kids and I cannot even begin to fathom what it would be like with out them.

After days of plotting and bargaining with the lawyer, my Mom (who doesn’t really like me) sat me down and put her hands on my shoulders and said, “ Tricia, please don’t let this baby grow up like you did. Let him have a normal life with 2 parents who can give him what he needs.” Words of wisdom that will forever be imbedded in my heart.

In July, my son turned 18. I have always secretly hoped that when he did, that he would come and find me. Hasn’t happened and unless it’s part of God’s plan, He probably won’t. This is what hit home with me from that movie last night. I didn’t realize how much emotion I’ve been harboring about this for so long. I love him. It would break my heart if he thinks I don’t or that I didn’t want him. I did. I was just young and unprepared to be his Mommy. I hope he will forgive me.

Dark Beer May Be Better for the Heart

Science to the rescue!!! I knew there would be a way to rationalize my taste for dark ale!