(TRISH)I was inspired by Chris’ blog today. Wow. To be so honest. I have quietly struggled all during the holidays and always do. To read emails (from my family) telling me of stories and memories my parents are building with my brother and sister’s kids and they don’t even know mine! They send me a check every year and this year they even said they didn’t know what size my kids were or what they would want. This is not the heritage I want for my kids. I yearn for my parents approval even to this day and I know that it will never happen. More this year than ever. And the challenge for me is to accept it and move on. I cannot allow the enemy a stronghold in this any more. I have never really shared my personal story with my blog friends, but here is a mini synopsis.

I was born to a couple of kids. They didn’t have to get married, they just did. They broke up for a while and tried to reconcile and there came me. Mom was 19 when I was born. My blood father abandoned us. He doesn’t like me to believe this, but I do especially since he has lame excuses about why he didn’t bother to look me up for 14 years. Any way, my mom wasn’t stable to begin with. She had terrible issues of her own. She was in NO way prepared for a child. She told me once that she wanted to give me up but her parents wouldn’t let her. She spent her pregnancy alone. She had me on Jan 26 right after a terrible blizzard had blown through St. Louis. She told me she didn’t even want to hold me. She hated me from the womb because I changed her life. She didn’t want me and made it obvious just about daily. Except at Christmas. The one time of year I felt love from her. She always gave us a wonderful Christmas, attitude and all. I would venture to guess this was at least one time of year my Dad got laid. She was always so happy. I used to wish it was Christmas all the time. Then when I was 8, my mom was pregnant with my sister and I was making comments like, I’ve got Daddy’s eyes or ears and they decided to tell me that my Daddy wasn’t my blood Daddy. I was different. I was hurt and confused. I love my Dad and he adopted me and raised me as his own and I was devastated beyond what I can express to find out that they had lied to me all those years. This was also around Christmas.

My parents divorced when I was 13. I was experimenting with drugs/ sex & rock & roll. They didn’t know what to do with me because my family was Mormon and I didn’t fit their MOLD. Instead of asking me what was wrong or attempting to help me, they shipped me away. Between the ages of 13 & 17, I lived in 11 different homes. Including my blood father whom I had only met once. And when I look back, I wasn’t really all that bad compared to stories I’ve since heard from other addicts, etc. I lived in a fog because reality was tooooooo painful. No body wanted me. This is only a short version of the whole story. My struggle to this day at times is wondering if Jesus really wants me. Does he really love me? How could he? Noone else did??

I have spent a lot of years beating myself up because I still suffer emotionally over this. I thought that since I am a blood bought Christian that I should have been healed a long time ago. Perhaps I don’t have faith. Perhaps I am not really saved. These are questions I’ve asked over and over again! But, the wonderful thing of all of this is that God has allowed me to counsel hurting people. To listen to their pain. To help them walk through the other side. Like Chris, I think some wounds just won’t heal. I too will not allow the enemy to keep me down. I will hold my head up high and walk through this. Yearning to see what God has in store and seeing my children’s beautiful faces has kept me trucking on. And the amazing encouragement from my husband who has so faithfully loved me every time I get down. Who has prayed for me for years. Who has stood by me no matter what. Who has shown me love and tenderness that noone else has. He is my family and I am blessed. Chris showed me today that we feel so alone and yet, we aren’t. Through our own wounds, we can help heal others. Thank you Chris. Thank you for telling the truth.

Favorite Christmas Songs/Albums?
In an attempt to focus on Christ during this season I've been listening to some Christmas music. I particularly like Blues For the Child by Lanny Cordola and Phil Driscoll's Christmas albums. I really love the Vertical Horizon song "The Man Who Would Be Santa". What greater gift can we give our kids than to give them what we have and point them toward Christ...

And the man who would be Santa slips into the room
And the hour of daylight's yet to come but he hopes they don't wake too soon
All the presents wrapped in paper and tied with a bow
The children sleep upstairs and Santa works below
And he can hear the children dreaming

Chorus:
And he says
All I want is for you to have
A life you love and live
Take from me all I have to give
Because you are in my heart

And the man who would be Santa tells his son to write
And to call him if he needs him in the middle of the night
Don't you worry don't you cry now you'll do just fine
Your mother and I love you
We think about you all the time
And he can see the train is leaving

Chorus

Now the old man sits and tells of days when time stood still
The hours always seem to fade but the memory never will
All the love that you gave me
All the dreams in the night
And I just want to thank you while the day's still light
But I can see the sun is setting

Chorus

Can you smell what the Lord is cooking?!
(Trish) I see all you guys discussing emerging church and books about Hearing God’s voice and community. I sit here day after day and hope that one of you would give us a clear answer. That God will speak to me through you. There are helpful and even beautiful discussions out here but, Not one of you has answered what to do next. This is not a criticism, just an observation.

We at some point in time will be leaving “The Church.” I have no doubt of that, but how do we deal with what we are going through now? How do we live in two worlds? How do we pull the plug and walk away? I have been praying for clear direction for 3 years and you know what, we are just now getting a glimpse of what God might be telling us to do. We are willing! We are hungry! We are able through Jesus Christ! But what do we do now, during the wait. Is God still preparing us for something? Are we not seeing or hearing what he’s saying to us? Is he saying anything? I have to tell myself the story of the Israelites who wandered for 40 years. 40 YEARS! What is 3 or 5 years compared to that? We, whether we want to admit or not, have fallen into fast food mentality. We want it now. Most things in our world are available NOW. But the Lord’s ways are not our ways. He is a slow cooker. We must smell and savor what he is cooking allll dayyy long! And our mouths are watering and the smells are so wonderful and strong that we could swim in them. For 3 or more years we have been experiencing the slow cooker. I am so ready for a big fat bowl of that stuff. But maybe God wants to do something else first. Maybe we need to be even more patient. Maybe we need to “listen” for God’s voice. Maybe we are not ready for what He is going to do through us.

Still in need of a gift to help that special friend find the true meaning of Christmas? Click here for the 12 Days of Kitschmas!

Check out Chris' article for Dec. 11th on the Incarnation. Great thoughts! I wasl flipping through cable the other day and heard a local pastor railing against the evils of piercing and tatoos. He warned the young people to wait until they got home to remove the piercings.... My guess is, they will go home and stay there. They probably won't return next week.

My pastor had a discussion with some of the other local pastors about our culture. They told him that we shouldn't expect anything more than from our culture than to slip into ungodliness. I have been telling him that for awhile, but he still thinks that as a "Christian" nation, we should legislate morality. I hesitate to turn him on to stuff like this quite yet.

The fights we choose tell us a lot about ourselves. Some people want to rely on the government to bring about the Kingdom. Some people have put their trust in parachurch organizations. Some have put their trust in a personality, a structure, or a system. When the system of theology, the pastor, the liturgy etc. that we have put our trust in comes under fire, we fight. We fight because we are ignorant of the God who transcends personalities, systems and structures. We fight because it is easier to defend tangible "enemies" rather than engage in spiritual warfare. We fight because we have to defend our investments. We fight because we have a feeble view of the Kingdom.

+God, give us peace. Help us see the enemy. Keep your Kingdom in our sight.+

I got to have lunch with two good friends and fellow Christ-followers yesterday. We talked about Kingdom things and the possibility of going the emerging church route. Being an analytical type of person, I want to be sure that my motives are right. I want to be sure that I am not just leaving something, but journeying to something. I asked the guys the question that I have been asking myself: In the current church I attend, can I commit to and follow through in the kind of deep, lasting relationships we think are vital to our spiritual transformation; and do I have the time, freedom etc. to carry out the missional work we have been called and sent to participate in? Some additional questions that come to mind: Am I empowered and free to follow God's call in my life? Is the ministry that I do helping others to be spiritually transformed?

My thought is if the answer to these questions are "no", then I have to seek a new form/structure/vessel (whatever you want to call it) where I can say "yes".

God must be at work.... Trish wrote her latest post before I woke up and it's the same thing that theme that we talked about at lunch. In response to my concerns about hurting the "church" in our departure, my friend Tom quoted John Eldridge to me. "Let others feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it." Good advice!

(Trish) Quote of the day:

"Be who you are and say what you think, because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant.. I was reading yesterday http://watercarriers.blogspot.com/ and I felt such a surge of freedom that I could hardly contain it! Then, Dr. Seuss appears on my desk and well, here I am sharing with you. May we dance in the freedom we have in Jesus today and may we share it with others. Be who you are! Be who Abba created you to be.

(Trish) We have an opportunity to practice some real fruits of the spirit! We sold our beautiful mobile home about 2 months ago. To make a very long story short, the lady had her daughter call last night to tell us that she was backing out on the deal. I was instantly angry. I was so suprised by my anger. The juicy things I wanted to do and say to this woman. You can imagine I am sure. But my sweet husband is wise and when we sat down to eat, a meal that was no longer appealing, he prayed for her and he asked our Father to give us strength to do the right thing in this matter. My heart melted and I was back in reality. Friends and family in the blog world, I am asking you this morning to pray for us. I believe this is an opportunity for change that comes for God to occur in our family's heart. Pray for this woman that God will bless her and that they will find what they are looking for.. Pray that Roger and I deal with this with Grace & Mercy..

We've moved!

We had the help of about 10 people and got all of our stuff moved in a half a day. My back is not in great shape, but it could be worse. We have 2Mb DSL now! I'll get to see your Blogs in nonoseconds! We still have a lot of unpacking and house updating to do, but it's nice to have some room and a place to fellowship with others.....