Jim keeps them coming with "There is no formula. 'Damn! Now what???'" Interesting that there are so many similar journeys and so many afraid to talk about it. There really is no formula, just different experiences and stories. Here is my post:
Thanks for the great post and great comment Jim and everyone! This is where the “rubber meets the road” and there are not very many places and people where you can talk openly about this stuff!
My journey started when I was a boy experiencing spiritual things that were at odds with my lifestyle, but more recently started with one question: “What is Church?” that led to “What is the Bible?” that led to “Who or what is Jesus?” that led to What is common in all religions?” that led to “What is the Universe?” that led to “What is reality?” that led to “What are thoughts and emotions?” that led to “What is enlightenment?” that led to “What am I?” and “Who am I?” that led to Nothing. I am sure you have your own questions to answer in this deal. Just chase them down the rabbit hole.
It has been a long, slow process of unplugging from the questionable beliefs and downright lies I was taught, believed and functioned in. At least it seems long to me. To others it probably seems like I have completely flipped on my head the last couple of years. I can only say that I felt like I was “cramming 10 lbs of shit in a 5 lb paper bag” as my dad always said, and I needed to unload for some new groceries. The Universe and all my experiences could no longer be contained in my religious beliefs. One question: What is Church? Caused the whole house of cards to begin falling. Religion, politics, nationalism, self-identity….laying in a heap on floor. I guess you could say this process has been a form of self-psychotherapy. Some have used the word Spiritual Autolysis to describe using discernment to strip away the false-beliefs and false- Self.
I kept experiencing things that were “outside” of my fundamentalist view of Christianity and for which I had no context or definition. I’ve had a voracious appetite for new information. Not for it’s sake, but more for confirmation and expansion of worldview. When the student was ready the teacher showed up via books, friends, youtube, websites etc. I studied spirituality, mysticism, science, philosophy. From what I gather from others this is part of the journey. I am not afraid of “knowledge”. In the end it just saying of something that is, “that it is”. The interesting thing is that when you really strip away all the BS there is not much you can say “that it is” about. (Hope that makes sense.)
Somewhere among all the turmoil, the seeking, the searching, the striving just ends. I don’t know if it is a permanent thing, but it’s almost like life is a wonderful dream where I can choose to enter in and participate whenever I choose, but always realizing it is as a dream. Honestly, at the end of your life when you look back at all you’ve done, said, lived, loved….it is nothing more than a beautiful, tragic dream. Why fight it? It’s like there is a complete difference between looking at a tree and categorizing it, labeling it, analyzing it, finding it’s flaws and perfections; and just being with it with none of those thoughts in mind. But, then again, I’m probably crazy.
For me, peace, freedom, joy etc. are by-products of this Spiritual Autolysis. I used to seek them, desire them, strive after them. Now it’s more like they are always there when I choose to access them (which I don‘t always do). I’ve had to come to an understanding between the difference of “enlightenment” and “spirituality” (please don‘t get caught up in the terms.). For me spirituality is an additive process and enlightenment is subtractive. Which I guess means that one can be “spiritual” but not “unplugged“. Perhaps that is why some people possess beliefs and some people’s beliefs possess them. I guess I have traveled through the spiritual to the unplugged without really thinking about what was going on before it was to late.
Another by-product has been that things like religion, politics, nationalism, spirituality seem like wastes of time. I just view them as another layer of “groceries” that I had to unpack, and my 5 lb bag is full with reality. It’s not that I disrespect or disdain any of them. It’s just that they really don’t matter from my point of view. I’m sure that can come off as disrespect, so I’ll have to think of more tender ways to communicate.
I’m sure there is more to write, but that’s too much for now.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Fear of Nothingness
Another good post by Jim at Divine Nobodies and my response:
You're tackling a tough topic here. In our culture two topics are usually off the table: sex and death. This post may touch both.
What I'll say are just my opinions and experiences. Not trying to challenge anybody or any beliefs. This is just my journey in stripping away the BS to try to find the truth. Forgive me if this is long. It’s a deep topic that I’m still trying to put into words.
Early man must have looked up at the stars and saw the sky that never changed, and seemed to exist forever, and felt so small and insignificant....watching loved ones die after 20, 10, 5 years....and the ego desiring to last forever like the moonless night sky....suffering.
We have an ego that wants to survive at all costs. We have a strong desire to be remembered. Hence, tombstones, crosses along the highway, monuments, striving to accomplish things that will "last" etc. If we are interested in truth however, we will eventually have to admit that all of this is futile. The fact is that in a couple of generations we will be all but forgotten (How much do you really know about your great-great-Grandfather and his hopes, dreams, personality etc.?). Or perhaps one of your accomplishments will make it to the history books, but someone else will use just use it as a springboard for something "new and improved" making it just another step in our evolution. The truth is that our whole world could be wiped out in an instant by an asteroid that rubbed up against another one a few years ago. One way or another, the ego loses the battle of Nothingness.
Nothingness, No-self, Emptiness. What do we know? We know the Universe is expanding and reversing the process seems to have come from Nothingness. We know that evolution on the earth is not so neat and clean as some scientists would have us believe. It appears likely that new species appeared "out of nowhere" in waves of creativeness. We know that when we close our eyes for a length of time without falling asleep (now that's a trick!) the Nothingness within is expansive and vast and scary and, if you get there, perhaps, beautiful.
The truth is we don't know where we come from and we don't know where we are going. There are all kinds of theories and stories, both scientific and religious. But we don't KNOW. That's a problem for us. We want security. We want to be certain about everything, especially the most important things. But we can't. So, even in the midst of religion and spirituality we experience a mostly present low level of anxiety.
Most of our fears and anxieties come down to a fear of death, fear of no-Self, and/or a fear of Nothingness. When I choose to attach my identity to a particular teacher, philosophy, religion etc. what happens when that teacher, philosophy, belief system or religion is questioned or criticized? I take it personal, as if someone was directly attacking ME, and because my ego wants to survive I react with anger, which is usually caused by fear. Fear of what? Nothingness. Fear that if what I have attached my identity to is nothing, than “I” will be nothing.
Questions like: Why am I here? Who am I? What am I? Where did I come from? Where will I go? These are the questions that religion tries to answer with elaborate stories to ease our fears. Speaking for myself, the pat answers religion offered just didn’t cut it. In my darkest, most honest moments, I still found it there, gnawing away at my peace.
For me honesty has been the answer. What do I REALLY know after all the stories and myths are stripped away? That I was born. I will die. I don’t know what happened before I was born and I don’t know what will happen after I die. I have clues, or hunches based on what I know about the Universe and about my interior life, and anything more than that quickly delves into the realm of BS. This short glimpse of consciousness that I have been given is a temporary, beautiful gift, making each person and each situation priceless.
When I began to dabble in meditation (still really dabbling I guess) one of my first experiences was the Nothingness within. It was like I was falling into a void that would never end and for awhile I would snap myself out of it because it was scary. But one time I let go….and found myself “floating” in this beautiful, creative void. Peaceful and serene with nothing to fear. And I thought, “If this is what death is like I have no fear of it.” Life has been a little bit different since then.
You're tackling a tough topic here. In our culture two topics are usually off the table: sex and death. This post may touch both.
What I'll say are just my opinions and experiences. Not trying to challenge anybody or any beliefs. This is just my journey in stripping away the BS to try to find the truth. Forgive me if this is long. It’s a deep topic that I’m still trying to put into words.
Early man must have looked up at the stars and saw the sky that never changed, and seemed to exist forever, and felt so small and insignificant....watching loved ones die after 20, 10, 5 years....and the ego desiring to last forever like the moonless night sky....suffering.
We have an ego that wants to survive at all costs. We have a strong desire to be remembered. Hence, tombstones, crosses along the highway, monuments, striving to accomplish things that will "last" etc. If we are interested in truth however, we will eventually have to admit that all of this is futile. The fact is that in a couple of generations we will be all but forgotten (How much do you really know about your great-great-Grandfather and his hopes, dreams, personality etc.?). Or perhaps one of your accomplishments will make it to the history books, but someone else will use just use it as a springboard for something "new and improved" making it just another step in our evolution. The truth is that our whole world could be wiped out in an instant by an asteroid that rubbed up against another one a few years ago. One way or another, the ego loses the battle of Nothingness.
Nothingness, No-self, Emptiness. What do we know? We know the Universe is expanding and reversing the process seems to have come from Nothingness. We know that evolution on the earth is not so neat and clean as some scientists would have us believe. It appears likely that new species appeared "out of nowhere" in waves of creativeness. We know that when we close our eyes for a length of time without falling asleep (now that's a trick!) the Nothingness within is expansive and vast and scary and, if you get there, perhaps, beautiful.
The truth is we don't know where we come from and we don't know where we are going. There are all kinds of theories and stories, both scientific and religious. But we don't KNOW. That's a problem for us. We want security. We want to be certain about everything, especially the most important things. But we can't. So, even in the midst of religion and spirituality we experience a mostly present low level of anxiety.
Most of our fears and anxieties come down to a fear of death, fear of no-Self, and/or a fear of Nothingness. When I choose to attach my identity to a particular teacher, philosophy, religion etc. what happens when that teacher, philosophy, belief system or religion is questioned or criticized? I take it personal, as if someone was directly attacking ME, and because my ego wants to survive I react with anger, which is usually caused by fear. Fear of what? Nothingness. Fear that if what I have attached my identity to is nothing, than “I” will be nothing.
Questions like: Why am I here? Who am I? What am I? Where did I come from? Where will I go? These are the questions that religion tries to answer with elaborate stories to ease our fears. Speaking for myself, the pat answers religion offered just didn’t cut it. In my darkest, most honest moments, I still found it there, gnawing away at my peace.
For me honesty has been the answer. What do I REALLY know after all the stories and myths are stripped away? That I was born. I will die. I don’t know what happened before I was born and I don’t know what will happen after I die. I have clues, or hunches based on what I know about the Universe and about my interior life, and anything more than that quickly delves into the realm of BS. This short glimpse of consciousness that I have been given is a temporary, beautiful gift, making each person and each situation priceless.
When I began to dabble in meditation (still really dabbling I guess) one of my first experiences was the Nothingness within. It was like I was falling into a void that would never end and for awhile I would snap myself out of it because it was scary. But one time I let go….and found myself “floating” in this beautiful, creative void. Peaceful and serene with nothing to fear. And I thought, “If this is what death is like I have no fear of it.” Life has been a little bit different since then.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Afraid of Nothing
I've been rather quiet here as of late. That usually means I am experiencing and processing new things. It seems to be my pattern of life. Learn, grow, settle, rest, Learn, grow, settle rest... I'm cool with it.
Here is a response to a post on Divine Nobodies (slightly edited). I was overly tired when I wrote it, but I think its getting to the core of where I am at, and possibly where I am going. Feel free to "push back". I am just trying to put into words, what I'm not sure can be put into words. A finger pointing at the moon.
I can really only speak about my journey. I’ve been “restless” most of my life. Feeling like there was something I was missing in life. I’ve given myself fully to various belief systems only to find them incomplete, only partially true at best. I’ve also had the experience of “unplugging” from those systems of belief which is not always pretty, and quite often painful. From my small experience, I would say you are on the right track with this post Jim!
The journey for me is about the “truth”. What is true? Who am I? What am I? Ruthlessly stripping away the illusions and delusion and seeing life for what it is. As I strip away what is "false" I am left with more of what is "true". Looking back threw my blog posts I would say that is exactly what I've been doing.
I will be blunt and honest, as usual. After studying several different religions with an eye for what they had in common, it all has come down to “Oneness”. Every religion has a mystical strain that sees all life as One, that sees the “Father” in all things, in all people. There is a place from which everything is born and that place also exists within us. It is the place where we commune internally with God. Some may call it non-dual awareness. Some may choose to call it the Holy Spirit.
I do know that I have increasingly experienced, and continue to experience, this abiding peace you talk about. A place of non-struggle, non-anxiety, I guess you could call it peace. It has been born from pain, struggle, anxiety and delusion. And it thrives when I simply accept life for what it is, not judging, just being. It is not something that I necessarily cultivate. It just is.
I think human-kind is afraid of nothingness. We are afraid of not existing, and the ego wants to exist eternally. So we have developed complex myths and fairy tales to soothe our fear. The problem is that nothingness still exists, religion just tries to change the blackness to dark gray so we can stomach it, or forget about it, and go on with our overly-busy lives and small identities.
Attempting to understand and comprehend God is a necessary part of the journey. One that ends in futility, leaving us with further to go if we care about what is true.
Peace you you all!
Here is a response to a post on Divine Nobodies (slightly edited). I was overly tired when I wrote it, but I think its getting to the core of where I am at, and possibly where I am going. Feel free to "push back". I am just trying to put into words, what I'm not sure can be put into words. A finger pointing at the moon.
I can really only speak about my journey. I’ve been “restless” most of my life. Feeling like there was something I was missing in life. I’ve given myself fully to various belief systems only to find them incomplete, only partially true at best. I’ve also had the experience of “unplugging” from those systems of belief which is not always pretty, and quite often painful. From my small experience, I would say you are on the right track with this post Jim!
The journey for me is about the “truth”. What is true? Who am I? What am I? Ruthlessly stripping away the illusions and delusion and seeing life for what it is. As I strip away what is "false" I am left with more of what is "true". Looking back threw my blog posts I would say that is exactly what I've been doing.
I will be blunt and honest, as usual. After studying several different religions with an eye for what they had in common, it all has come down to “Oneness”. Every religion has a mystical strain that sees all life as One, that sees the “Father” in all things, in all people. There is a place from which everything is born and that place also exists within us. It is the place where we commune internally with God. Some may call it non-dual awareness. Some may choose to call it the Holy Spirit.
I do know that I have increasingly experienced, and continue to experience, this abiding peace you talk about. A place of non-struggle, non-anxiety, I guess you could call it peace. It has been born from pain, struggle, anxiety and delusion. And it thrives when I simply accept life for what it is, not judging, just being. It is not something that I necessarily cultivate. It just is.
I think human-kind is afraid of nothingness. We are afraid of not existing, and the ego wants to exist eternally. So we have developed complex myths and fairy tales to soothe our fear. The problem is that nothingness still exists, religion just tries to change the blackness to dark gray so we can stomach it, or forget about it, and go on with our overly-busy lives and small identities.
Attempting to understand and comprehend God is a necessary part of the journey. One that ends in futility, leaving us with further to go if we care about what is true.
Peace you you all!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Universal Randomness
As we float threw space on this ball we call earth. It is easy to get caught up in the small things of life. Our identities are so easily taken captive by things that, in the end, will not matter.
The Iron and Calcium that courses threw our blood came from an exploding star in the distant past. An exploding star, that may have had planets, part of a galaxy, part of the Universe.
It easy to forget that WE are a part of the Universe, and as such, when we look into the sky we are looking into the mirror.
The Universe looking at itself.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Unplugging
Is it possible to accurately critique your own belief system without unplugging from it? In other words, can a fish see water for what it really is while it's experience has been immersed in it?
Have you ever tried to unplug from a belief system? How did it turn out?
Have you ever tried to unplug from a belief system? How did it turn out?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
