Can we get honest here...?

Honestly.

The past five years have been difficult. I won't bore you with the details. The few that read this drivel know most of it anyway.

Trish and I recently had an argument that escalated far beyond what is acceptable. It scared the kids and it scared us too. No, we are not getting divorced. No, we are not separated. Yes, we are getting some help to work through it. . .

This incident has forced me to look at my life and verbalize some things that had been swirling around in my demented head for sometime anyway. As most of you know a series of events began when we left a stable job, good friends, and the church where we started our journey with Jesus in Dallas. I was unhappy with my job and believed God was calling us to "full-time ministry" (whatever that is). We moved to El Paso so I could work at a church as worship and youth leader. It was a complete disaster and we left confused, hurt and disillusioned. We moved to Illinois where I was going to complete a degree in music and be a worship leader at a hopefully healthy church. I changed my major with that in mind. Then the screwball. We began to seriously questions the motives and usefulness of organized religion.

So, during this time Trish, who wants to be a stay-at-home mom has been the primary bread winner. I now have a degree that is worthless. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. The decisions over the last five years have not worked out like we had hoped, and it has left me confused, depressed, disillusioned, angry, and directionless. Any dreams that I had are gone. They need to be replaced with something else. I don't really care what....but I am a dreamer....I gotta have something to shoot for....

I think I have been a functional Agnostic for the past few months. Yea, God is there, but I just ain't feelin' it. I'm fine with that. I've resolved that the next move is His.