Here is some stuff I wrote awhile back. I don't know if it still applies, but this represents part of my journey....
I gave Christianity my all. I studied the Bible. I prayed. I volunteered. I worked as a full-time youth worker. I wrote songs. I attended accountability groups. I led small groups. I participated in worship events. I had spiritual experiences. But, looking back, in the end, Christianity did not change me on a fundamental level. I’m not sure the things that did change, needed to be changed in the first place.
Let me give an example. I studied the Bible believing that if I did I would be closer to God, experience God, and be a more useful Christian. I went to Bible College and learned about textual, historical and literary criticism. But for all that knowledge I was never truly at peace. I was never comfortable with who I was in the moment. I was still seeking, still striving, still angry, still restless…still searching.
I am not saying that I never experienced peace. What I am saying is that most of the things that I did and experienced never helped me with the core issues of life. The answers that I got for the big questions only satisfied me for a short time, but over the long haul the questions and doubts crept back in to my heart. I was still searching for validation outside of myself. Something that would make me more “completely myself.” Those things simply are not found in the Bible, or in church, or in the things we do in, and for, any institution.
Not only did the things I do not really help me spiritually, but my thoughts were almost always past or future based. Remembering past events that shaped me (usually for the worse). Looking forward to heaven. Looking forward to the day that I would be free from sin in general, or free from a particular temptation. Believing that suffering now would be turned to joy in the future. Looking forward to the day I would be more loving, more gracious, more at peace... and I was never taught that joy is only available NOW. Inner peace is only available NOW. Peace with God is only available NOW. The most holy moment is NOW. In fact, the ONLY moment is NOW!
It has taken me leaving the Institutional Church. Laying down the things I’ve been taught. Challenging my own beliefs. Asking questions that “shouldn’t be asked.” Crawling through depression so thick that it felt like jello. Feeling no hope, no desire, no motivation. Searching, and finding nothing… coming to the end of my self I begin to realize that under all my effort, under all my beliefs, beneath all my thoughts, there was a beautiful connection with God that transcended my striving, believing and thinking.
I rest. And in that stillness I understand freedom.
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5 comments:
Matt and I have been learning to live in the "Now" also. I named my new blog "Heavenly Now"
http://heavenlynow.blogspot.com/
I'm using it to try and capture some of my "now" moments. I was hoping to do daily posts, but it is more like weekly.
It's great to hear from you again, my friend! Thanks for sharing. It is always encouraging to know that one is not alone and that someone else may be going through similar processes on this journey.
Jello, huh? Sounds sticky. Doing some battling myself. Still standing. Possibly moving. Learning to go with the flow. :-)
..."Crawling through depression so thick that it felt like jello. Feeling no hope, no desire, no motivation. Searching, and finding nothing… coming to the end of my self I begin to realize that under all my effort, under all my beliefs, beneath all my thoughts, there was a beautiful connection with God that transcended my striving, believing and thinking."
could you pray for Mike?
he's been in the jello for too long.
Dear Anonymous,
Sometimes there is fruit in the jello. I'll be writing soon on the necessity of pain in the journey. Just love Mike through it! He may be exactly where he needs to be...
i know...just tired of also being pulled into the jello
i know there is purpose in it..but when it becomes a chronic condition...like YEARS!!
....then there is a problem, i think...from MY perspective, anyway... at least it is a problem for me...
there is now a wall that is there between us because of MY faith and beliefs and his anger at God/questioning God which has shifted on to me...."how can you believe...."
when the sun shines in his fatih life about every 3rd week or so..for about an hour...then we have some problems...
Sounds like difficult times. I know that I was not a treat to be around when I was going through my struggles. It is difficult to see outside of the funk when you are in the middle of it.
Anger at God/ Questioning God: Been there done that. Although I've come to understand that it was not actually God I was mad at, but the Religous/Institutional God that I was taught about for so many years. God is not afraid of, or mad at our questions. I would encourage your husband to question away...
I am no one to give advice, but if your understanding of God makes your husband angry, don't talk about it for now. Trust that God is in the middle of his journey and will be waiting for him at the end of it...
It's worth a shot, and would have helped me to have people around that understood that...
Peace!
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