We had the small group leaders in our church over for some hang-out time and it was so interesting to listen. All of them are great folks! Each using their unique gifts and abilities to help people connect with each other and God. It was so interesting to listen and pick out the vocabulary that gives clues about their levels of spirituality. Many of them still look to the organizational church as the answer to spiritual growth ie. you just need to go to church and participate in the programs to grow spiritually....I'm just in a different place now....but, I'm glad people were patient with me when I was going through that phase. I'll be the first to admit that living in the tension between organizational church and relationship with Jesus is difficult.

Had a good conversation with Trish this afternoon....about trusting God, relationships and roles. There was a time, I am sad to say, that I would have gotten my self-worth from being a "Worship Leader" or a "Youth Leader." Who I was, was tied up in what I did. My role was a big part of who I was. I am realizing more each day that the roles we play really don't mean anything outside of the context of having a relationship with Jesus. If I am a stay-at-home dad, or a worship leader, or a janitor, or a pastor really shouldn't help or hinder my relationship with Jesus (that's easier to say than live out).

Upon some reflection, here is what I come up with...My recent spiritual struggles have come as the result of entering a new stage of faith. Realizing that "going to church" just doesn't cut it anymore; the roles that I placed my self-worth in just place me in a cycle of proving myself over and over again; keeping busy doing "church stuff" is far different from a vocation; the rules and rituals where much of my early faith was formed are shallow and empty.

So there is a process of dieing, of letting go of the old visions and dreams and letting God birth new ones. Because I believe that my relationship with God is paramount I am recommitting to some spritual practices that I've been neglecting. The fact is, that looking back, I can see a gradual drifting from the things that connected me with God in the first place. Because spirituality is not about rituals or rules, but relationship I am renewing my dedication to some of the "monastic" disciplines: prayer, silence, solitude, study, meditation, etc. Refocusing on Christ, opening myself to His ttransforming grace, trying to follow Jesus' example, listen to and obey the Spirit.