The more I get to know myself, the more I don't desire any leadership position in the church....I'm to much of a fuck-up...God isn't done with me yet, but even when he is I still don't want the position of leader. That job is already taken.

This is a good word from Wayne Jacobsen:

As long as we're trying to manipulate circumstances around us, we'll find our spiritual life shriveling up. That's as true of our job as it is our ministries and our children. That's because we're trying to be free of Father to pursue our own will and desires. That road always looks secure but leads to ruin. I am so thankful that he has provided a better way.

Even out of our own failures, our Father can work his purpose. That's what he did for Adam and Eve. In fact he knew his first invitation to trust would be ignored. He knew it would cost him his Son before we would be able to understand how much we are loved and how safe it is to put all of our trust in him. He also knows how slow we are to learn that, and with great patience continues to invite us past our fears and anxieties, past the need to control every circumstance of our lives, and surrender to his work and purpose.

What are you afraid of today? Where does your life feel out of control? Right there, at the end of your rope, let go and fall into the lap of a loving and powerful Father. "I'm so sorry God for trying to fit everything in my image; so tired of finding my security in the fickleness of circumstance. Show me, Father, how I am manipulating others and teach me how to find all my joy and security in you and you alone."

He knows everything about you. He knows every circumstance that assails you and he will use them all to teach you how to trust him, if you'll let him. He will never take control of your life; that's something you must give up to him every day, circumstance by circumstance. Give up trying to grab what you desire most. Do it and you'll find that real security doesn't come in the money we possess, the church we attend, or the circumstances we manipulate. Security is found in the Father alone.

Then build your life anew not on the fears of unbelief, demanding your expectations be fulfilled, but on the presence of a Father who is more awesome than you ever imagined. There you'll find a peace and rest that no circumstance or person can disturb.

Finally, you'll discover what it is to be free of the need to control your own life. You'll find that Father really does know best and that he can work in you better than you ever asked or imagined.

Then and only then will your deepest desire be to know God more fully.