The "Good Stuff" - Down the Rabbit Hole

If you are a friend of mine and haven't read my blog for awhile, please read the past few posts before you call me a heretic. Thanks.

So, I've explained some of the rational behind this "experiment" here and here. I've described my crisis experience in which I got a glimpse behind the ego-mind (although I didn't know how to describe it at the time).

Much of my time as a conservative Christian was centered around theology, theories, obligation, morality, rules and rituals. None of which helped me experience God in a significant way. Most of the changes in my life were either short lived, or were more an act of shoving a round peg into a square hole. The holistic, natural change that comes from inner peace and joy were absent.

So around the time of this "ego-mind experience" I started doing some research on the Tao and Buddhism, looking for the commonalities with what I've been taught and experienced. I must say that I resonated with large portions of what I read. I think Buddhism describes reality better than any of the other religions/philosophies that I've participated in (more on that in a later post). But one thing that Buddhism teaches is that you will never experience enlightenment by reading about it. It must be experienced. I completely agree.

I‘ve since learned that the glimpse of awareness and freedom that I experienced was merely a momentary detachment from my ego. In my mind I believed that my security was being threatened. I had lost a sense of self by having no "purpose" in life (no religion, no career, etc.). My identity, as I consciously new it, was being destroyed. Yet, behind it, I received a glimpse of my true self.

You see, the ego wants you to believe you are always safe and secure. It wants you to believe that you are on solid ground. It wants to vanquish any threats to your mind and body. It wants you to think you are the center of the universe. It wants you to think you are separate and alone. It wants you to think that what you can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste are all that exists. It is concerned with self-preservation. It is about panic, fear and confusion. It especially fears death.

The ego does not want you to know the truth: that you are floating on a ball in space in a universe so vast, ancient and diverse it defies understanding. Yet, in that vastness, everything is connected and essentially one. That safety and security are really illusions and an emotional response to the uncertainty of this life. That the inner world is no less real than the physical world. That death, whether psychological, emotional or physical, is nothing to fear, but to be embraced as part of the journey.

I wanted more of the inner peace, joy and clarity that I had experienced. So I began meditating. Bringing awareness into my life everyday life. Quieting my mind. Delving deep into myself.

To be honest, at times, it was quite scary. I did not know what I would find there, and the ego does not die easily. Sometimes it is like falling into nothingness, like when you are drifting off to sleep and you suddenly jerk yourself awake. But in the nothingness is this calm, beautiful, peaceful energy, and if you decide to go down the path you may find yourself resting in it. I've found that the more time you spend in that quiet, peaceful place, the more it seems to shape your life when you are not in that state. And you begin to see beauty everywhere.

But I've found that if you continue the inner journey, you will find the real you that exists outside of time and space. The me that exists beyond the thoughts of who I "think" I am. The me that exists without the baggage of my past. The me that exists without my formulation of what I will be in the future. The me that exists Now and only Now. The me that just is.

It's kind of like The Matrix. My eyes have been suddenly and drastically opened to the world around me. I am of so much more aware of what is around me: aware of the breeze against my skin, the treetops dancing, my own breath... I am aware of the suffering in my own self, viewing it from a distance, letting it settle. Not judging it, but aware of it. I am acutely aware of the suffering of others too. As I’ve said in previous posts, results matter. All I know is that I am experiencing peace, joy and love. I am accepting the circumstances of life, not caught up in the past and future, without judgment. If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Yes, I could couch all this in "Christianized" terms like "metanoia" etc., But they are just terms speaking of the same thing that Buddhists have spoken of for thousands of years. Why reinvent the wheel? For those worried about keeping the Christian label on their faith, may I just say that I think Jesus was influenced more by Eastern religion than most of us think. I think Western Christianity could use to informed by Buddhist philosophy, and the contradictions are probably fewer than what is found in the Bible itself. But that’s another post….

"Good Stuff" Coming Soon

I apologize for not getting to the "good stuff" sooner. I've been writing on it, but to be honest, it's hard to put the workings of the heart into words....and I've just started a new job, and my bro got married last night. Feeling a little rough today.

In the meantime here is a tidbit....

The mind does not like to be quiet. It thrives on creating problems, solving problems etc. Have you ever noticed the steady stream of thoughts during your day? Are they usually about the past or future? What kind of feelings do they produce?

How often do you really quiet your mind? Have you tried? What happened in your experience?

Preface to the "Good Stuff"

We have been on a long spiritual journey. It's been messy, but beautiful. You can read my past posts over the last 5 or 6 years to get a glimpse. The journey has been life-long, but more recently started with questioning if institutional forms of church were helpful in the spiritual journey. I can say that it was not very helpful for me. Additionally, I had serious reservations about attending church with a group of people that believed if a person did not believe in a literal 6-day creation they were not a Christian. That led me to question my understanding of the Bible, how it should be used and it's place in my journey. A process which is still in play...

Let's just say that I would have been considered an exclusivist and an absolutists when it came to Christianity. I held beliefs about Christianity that were intellectually and spiritually arrogant, and misinformed. Part of this journey has been an investigation of science and religion and how they compliment each other which has led me to question my position. The investigation is ongoing and incomplete, but essentially I am asking:

What is the common theme behind our world's religions, and does that tell me anything about human nature in general and what we are seeking?

What does it tell me about the God who created this beautifully diverse world as well as our vast universe?

What philosophies and traditions help me understand the universe and our place in it, the world in which I live, and which produce real, lasting results in my life?

I listened to a lot of Christian radio as a new Christian in Texas. Most of it was radically conservative to the point that they manufactured solutions to refute scientific evidence about the age of the earth, Darwinism etc. Can I just say that if religion or philosophy completely flies in the face of science there is a good chance that its in error? Science is mostly interested in finding truth (meaning, "saying of something that is, that it is"). I just cannot believe that reason has to be thrown out in order to be spiritual person. So, I have remained open to psychology and quantum physics etc. and what they have to say about the universe and the mind.

I am not concerned with the language and labels of Christianity in this journey. If Christianity is what I was taught it is, "the only religion that makes it possible to have a true relationship with God", then it will rise to the top of list. I am not forsaking Christianity, but trying to rightly see its place in the scheme of all religions. I am not forsaking the Bible but trying to see it for what it is and use it appropriately. However, because I have been so ignorant of other religions, traditions, philosophies and sciences I feel that I need to "distance" myself from it for awhile in order to get a better overview.

I'm sure there are plenty of "holes" in my thinking here. I'm not a scientist, or a religious scholar. I'm just a dude that is doing the best he can living life and trying to understand his place in it. I don't know what I will find in the end, but I do know that God is big enough to handle the questions. I am not afraid.

In the end all of the theories and philosophies we have been taught come down to experience. What real, tangible difference does it make in your life? You will have to find that out for yourself...and that's what I'm doing.

The Incredible Collapsing Ego

It's funny. I was just accused of having a "rosie world view". Most people who know me would never say that! I'm a pessimist by nature and I have a knack for finding something wrong with just about everything. Hell, I've been unemployed for nearly six months! I can tell you for a fact this "rosieness" is not the "normal" me. This change in attitude is one of the main reasons that I continue on the spiritual path that I'm on. There are results. Change for the better. Life. Peace. So, I'll take that as a compliment!

Around about the time I quit my job I had a very powerful spiritual experience. I was in a lot of emotional, psychological and spiritual pain. I was confused, hurt and angry. Life was not turning out how I planned it. Our business plans were shot dead. I was in a dead-end, high stress job working with people that were not even civil a lot of the time. Blah, blah, blah... I guess all the years of wrestling with church and God, and all disappointments finally took there tole.

Then one day as I was driving to work, in that extreme pain, I found myself almost being an observer of myself. That's really the best way I can explain it. Then all of the sudden I felt peace. Not just relief, but probably what Paul talked about when he said, "peace that passes understanding." The tears began to flow. And then I had clarity. I knew I had to quit my job. So I did, not knowing exactly how we would get by. I don't know, you could call it faith, or stupidity. Maybe both.

I couldn't explain exactly what had happened. There was nothing in my christian experience that would explain it except that I had experienced this one other time, when I was first baptized as a new christian. What I experienced then, and many time since, can be best explained as a sudden collapse of the ego. The pain that I was in was caused by resisting what was.

I just could not understand how I could be a "child of God", a "follower of Jesus", a person of the "kingdom of God", a "worship leader" that gave up a great job to help bring people into the "kingdom" etc. and still be fed a shit sandwich in life. Why would a God who cared about his children allow that (feel free to look at my past posts for more on that)? In essence, I was unable to accept what was. I was fighting the Now because christianity had taught me about a God who does miracles, who blesses "his own" etc.

I had just turned 40 years old. Half my life was gone. What did i have to show for it? I was without a career, unemployed, unhappy, angry, mean and lost. All of this suffering because I had a wrong view of God, reality and how life really works.

I'll get into what has happened since in another post. That's the good stuff!!!

The End of the World...Tomorrow?

They fire this thing up tomorrow....they could end the world, or find the fingerprint of God. Either way it's all good.

Political News Coverage

With all of the political B.S. going around in this election year I've struggled to find unbiased, balanced and fair coverage. I may have found the only source you will need to fully understand the complicated issues surrounding this year's election right HERE.

The Ego and Sin

I've been giving some thought and experiencing some interesting results from looking into Buddhism. Quite honestly, some aspects of Buddhism describe the universe and my experiences far better than the Christian tradition I was raised in.

Homebrewer brought up an interesting point in the last post about the ego that I'd like to flesh out here.

My understanding of the ego is that part of my mind which is primarily and ferociously concerned with survival. It is concerned with the past and future and knows nothing of the Now. It identifies and labels form and experience and shoves it in a box (nationalism for example). It attaches my identity to various forms (could be a particular car, designer label, brand, role, job etc.) It causes an endless stream of thinking which feeds physical reactions (emotions) which then fuel more thoughts. It tells me that I am separate, different, and essentially alone. It produces confusion, pride, separateness, self-centeredness, greed, defensiveness and desire, all which lead to suffering.

I am thinking that this is what is called sin in Genesis. The OT writers were trying to describe the reason that our best intentions turn to crap. Why would we forsake a perfect existence with God in a beautiful garden? The ego. Instead of resting in perfect union and peace Adam and Eve viewed themselves as separate from God and made their own judgments and decisions. They wanted an identity of their own.

And what happens? Their "eyes were opened", they "knew they were naked", and they "hid themselves from God's presence". They chose their ego over God and God let them have the consequences of that choice. A life dominated by the ego and separate from God. Not only are they separate from God, but Cain and Abel show us that we are separate from each other too!

Perhaps we are not trapped by our ego. Perhaps Jesus was describing a new way to live that we turned in to theories of salvation. Perhaps we are not separate from God and each other. Perhaps the ego is an illusion that is kept alive by our overactive minds.

I'd love to hear your thoughts....