The "Good Stuff" - Down the Rabbit Hole

If you are a friend of mine and haven't read my blog for awhile, please read the past few posts before you call me a heretic. Thanks.

So, I've explained some of the rational behind this "experiment" here and here. I've described my crisis experience in which I got a glimpse behind the ego-mind (although I didn't know how to describe it at the time).

Much of my time as a conservative Christian was centered around theology, theories, obligation, morality, rules and rituals. None of which helped me experience God in a significant way. Most of the changes in my life were either short lived, or were more an act of shoving a round peg into a square hole. The holistic, natural change that comes from inner peace and joy were absent.

So around the time of this "ego-mind experience" I started doing some research on the Tao and Buddhism, looking for the commonalities with what I've been taught and experienced. I must say that I resonated with large portions of what I read. I think Buddhism describes reality better than any of the other religions/philosophies that I've participated in (more on that in a later post). But one thing that Buddhism teaches is that you will never experience enlightenment by reading about it. It must be experienced. I completely agree.

I‘ve since learned that the glimpse of awareness and freedom that I experienced was merely a momentary detachment from my ego. In my mind I believed that my security was being threatened. I had lost a sense of self by having no "purpose" in life (no religion, no career, etc.). My identity, as I consciously new it, was being destroyed. Yet, behind it, I received a glimpse of my true self.

You see, the ego wants you to believe you are always safe and secure. It wants you to believe that you are on solid ground. It wants to vanquish any threats to your mind and body. It wants you to think you are the center of the universe. It wants you to think you are separate and alone. It wants you to think that what you can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste are all that exists. It is concerned with self-preservation. It is about panic, fear and confusion. It especially fears death.

The ego does not want you to know the truth: that you are floating on a ball in space in a universe so vast, ancient and diverse it defies understanding. Yet, in that vastness, everything is connected and essentially one. That safety and security are really illusions and an emotional response to the uncertainty of this life. That the inner world is no less real than the physical world. That death, whether psychological, emotional or physical, is nothing to fear, but to be embraced as part of the journey.

I wanted more of the inner peace, joy and clarity that I had experienced. So I began meditating. Bringing awareness into my life everyday life. Quieting my mind. Delving deep into myself.

To be honest, at times, it was quite scary. I did not know what I would find there, and the ego does not die easily. Sometimes it is like falling into nothingness, like when you are drifting off to sleep and you suddenly jerk yourself awake. But in the nothingness is this calm, beautiful, peaceful energy, and if you decide to go down the path you may find yourself resting in it. I've found that the more time you spend in that quiet, peaceful place, the more it seems to shape your life when you are not in that state. And you begin to see beauty everywhere.

But I've found that if you continue the inner journey, you will find the real you that exists outside of time and space. The me that exists beyond the thoughts of who I "think" I am. The me that exists without the baggage of my past. The me that exists without my formulation of what I will be in the future. The me that exists Now and only Now. The me that just is.

It's kind of like The Matrix. My eyes have been suddenly and drastically opened to the world around me. I am of so much more aware of what is around me: aware of the breeze against my skin, the treetops dancing, my own breath... I am aware of the suffering in my own self, viewing it from a distance, letting it settle. Not judging it, but aware of it. I am acutely aware of the suffering of others too. As I’ve said in previous posts, results matter. All I know is that I am experiencing peace, joy and love. I am accepting the circumstances of life, not caught up in the past and future, without judgment. If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Yes, I could couch all this in "Christianized" terms like "metanoia" etc., But they are just terms speaking of the same thing that Buddhists have spoken of for thousands of years. Why reinvent the wheel? For those worried about keeping the Christian label on their faith, may I just say that I think Jesus was influenced more by Eastern religion than most of us think. I think Western Christianity could use to informed by Buddhist philosophy, and the contradictions are probably fewer than what is found in the Bible itself. But that’s another post….