Crisis

Okay. I've spent the past few days in quiet, songwriting, listening, studying etc. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and realized there are some fundamental self-worth issues that are still prevalent in my life. There are some areas of my life that God has not chosen to heal. It's not about trying, or counseling, or therapy either. It's shit that I have placed before God, asked him to take, heal, transform etc. and he has chosen not to do so. Part of it comes from the fact that I have stuttered all of my life. Sometimes its better, sometimes its worse, but its always there and I'm always aware of it. It makes me feel like shit, as much as I try to make myself think that it doesn't matter. Communication is so vital and I feel handicapped.

So how does this play into Kingdom Theology? If God is re-establishing the correct order of things why wouldn't he start with his own children? Why wouldn't he break into the "now" and give me a taste of the "not yet"? And I'm not sure I buy that "thorn in the flesh" shit either.

I'll go further. I gave up a good job, making good money to follow what I thought was the call of God. Now three years later I don't even have a job. I came here to finish my Bachelors degree to be a "worship leader". The problem is my view of church has so radically changed that there is no way I can work at a church again. I really don't have any other gifts or skills. I'm average at everything and great at nothing. I realized the other day that I have lost every dream that I ever had. I don't have any dreams left. I was reading a book that talked about making goals, and I can't even think of one. Finish school...that's about it. Don't know what will happen afterward.

So I've asked God to give me some real direction. Some unmistakable dreams and goals..........I'm waiting........Still haven't heard from him........I'm starting to wonder if he gives a shit.........I guess this is a crisis of faith........