I Am Sam
(Trish) After reading Syndie’s blog yesterday morning I decided to go out and get “I am Sam.” WOW. Like she said, I was not prepared for this movie! I hadn’t even heard about it till yesterday and a flood of emotion came over me.
When I was 17 I got pregnant. I wanted a quick fix because I knew once my mother found out I would probably die. I wasn’t old enough to have an abortion and besides, the clinic I went to showed the sonogram and I went home that night and had nightmares. I couldn’t do any way. So now what? My aunt came to visit and we discussed the possibility of adoption. At first I was like, I don’t know about that. When you’re in this situation, NONE of your choices are easy. This is one reason why God wants us to have sex within marriage. Any way, time started rolling on and I started to grow and to love the little person in my body. Mom kicked me out and I lived in Foster Care with a 300 or 400 lb woman who was into herbs! I wanted FOOOOD! I was hungry! So, I had to do the welfare thing and food stamps for a while because my family wouldn’t help me. Well after visiting a few adoption agencies I decided no way. Back then they kept your baby in foster care for 6 weeks and I wanted my baby to go right home. There were other reasons but, I could type all day! I then found a private lawyer. He was terrific. We became friends and I spent time with him every week. In retrospect, he was probably screening me or trying to find out what kind of fiber I was made of.
On July 6, 1985, I gave birth to 9Lb 22 ¾ inch boy! He was perfect! Part of the deal with the lawyer was that I got to see him and spend 3 days with him. I got to hold and love and do a lot of kissing. I had a lifetime of those things to do in 3 days. The day arrived too soon to say good bye. God was so with me. I wasn’t a Christian yet, but I had clarity. I had strength of 10 men. I knew that I could not raise this baby the way he deserved. The lawyer came and the last thing I said to my son was, “Now you eat all your peas when your Mother tells you to.” I cried for days. I plotted all the ways I could keep him and get him back. I could get on welfare and work and do the day care thing. I was miserably alone and depressed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I look at my kids and I cannot even begin to fathom what it would be like with out them.
After days of plotting and bargaining with the lawyer, my Mom (who doesn’t really like me) sat me down and put her hands on my shoulders and said, “ Tricia, please don’t let this baby grow up like you did. Let him have a normal life with 2 parents who can give him what he needs.” Words of wisdom that will forever be imbedded in my heart.
In July, my son turned 18. I have always secretly hoped that when he did, that he would come and find me. Hasn’t happened and unless it’s part of God’s plan, He probably won’t. This is what hit home with me from that movie last night. I didn’t realize how much emotion I’ve been harboring about this for so long. I love him. It would break my heart if he thinks I don’t or that I didn’t want him. I did. I was just young and unprepared to be his Mommy. I hope he will forgive me.
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