A few thoughts...

We saw The Passion of Christ last night with our church and a few friends we invited.

THE BEAUTY
I was struck by the symbolism that Mel Gibson used in the movie. Jesus was a man on a mission! This was evident throughout the movie, especially when he stood up after the first whipping. It was like he was saying, "Nope, this isn't enough punishment yet...sin costs more than what I've received." Even though it was out of the context of the Gospels, when Jesus tells Mary "Behold, I make all things new" was the most striking part of the picture for me. All of what Jesus went through was to heal creation of the damage done in the Fall. How beautiful was it to go to the Last Supper during this time and listen to Jesus tell the Disciples the New Commandment. The film was visually stunning.

THE DANGER
My concern is the film's is portrayal of the trial and Crucifixion out of the context of Jesus' life. Dallas Willard says that the cross wasn't used as a Christian symbol until around the time of Constantine. For the past 1700 years the Church has focused almost exclusively on the cross as the symbol of atonement. I believe Evangelicalism is a logical result of this focus. Like Chris Marshall points out, there is an unhealthy focus on the future and very little focus on the "here and now." So, we Christianity has become about "saying a prayer so you can go to heaven" rather than a transformed life.

Jesus lived a lifestyle that empowered and focus him to do all we saw in the film. We only got a glimpse in the Garden of Gethsemane scene of Jesus' prayer life. It was Jesus discipline in fasting, studying, praying, community etc. that prepared him for what he would endure.

THE MISSING
We invited some friends that we have been hanging out with. Good people, but have a bad taste in their mouth for institutional religion, and can't really see the need for Jesus in their life at this time. I asked them what they thought about the movie without being to pushy. He said, "It was a great experience, but an awful movie." I got the feeling that he saw the movie through very different eyes than mine. It was more a historical piece about the crucifixion of a man, there was really no thought that "He did this for me". I'm not sure that this film is going to be the evangelistic tool that some church leaders think. I think the best hope is that it will evangelize the church.....

I've been busy lately fixing up the girl's room. We stripped wallpaper that was painted over (Please! NEVER paint over wallpaper!), mudded (?) the walls and ceiling and painted a nice bright yellow color. We ordered some tie dye bedspreads that are really cool, if we ever get them. We are going to get some lava lamps, beads and if they are good a bong. :-)

Also writing papers for school. I am in a Worldview class for the next five weeks. It's some pretty interesting stuff. He quotes some N.T. Wright, so the Prof. can't be all bad. Most of the reading so far is stuff that I've either read before or thought about before: life cycle, adult develpment, what it means to be a "good" person in our culture....

In reading The Search For Meaning I was interested to read that we must come to grips with meaninglessness before we can fully get ahold of the other states of meaning, namely, Separation, Having and Being. Here is the matrix they propose:

Meaninglessness Separation Having Being

Spiritual Despair Detachment Orthodoxy Quest

Intellectual Nihilism Alienation Hedonism Growth

Emotional Depression Anxiety Narcissism Balance

Physiological Death Somatization Health Fetishism Homeostasis

Oh, well. I can't get it to format right. You can figure it out..... your edumacated, right? More later....

We had a good time with the kids last night. We watched Whale Rider. What a great movie! It's about a little girl who is a native of New Zealand, born to the chief's son. Her twin brother dies at birth and she cannot live up to the chief's (her grandfather) expectations because she is a girl. It is a story about a man blinded by tradition and a little girl who has been "anointed"/"chosen" by God to be the next chief. I cried when she gave her speech about her situation and her love for her grandfather.

Went to our group meeting after that where we talked about 1 Cor. 13 and what agape love looks like. We talked about the role of the will in love. I loaned my Relational Communication text book out, or I would give some quotes from it. I was shocked at how the latest studies in relational communication confirms the Christian idea of love. That it is a choice we make, not a feeling we feel. I think that principle applies to all kinds of relationships: in our marriages, communities, friendships and relationship with God. Let's face it, passion only lasts so long...

I want to live a life where love naturally flows from my soul to others. I've been reminded through reading Dallas Willard's The Spirit of the Disciplines that that kind of love only comes with a life modeled after Jesus. I am reminded that Jesus was fully human and he had to discipline his body to live the kind of life that he lived. So I am dedicating more time to the disciplines so that I may experience more of God's grace and more of the life that he offered for us to follow.

Is the "wilderness" a place for Christians?

Isn't it interesting that when a Christian has a time of doubt, struggle, or depression other Christians either want to fix it, deny it, ignore it, or blame the person for what they are going through? Isn't it kind of like going to a hospital for help where they shoot the wounded? I heard Mike Yaconelli speak one time about how Christians go through seasons in their spiritual life. We always want the sun to shine! The fact is that it must rain, we must have dry seasons etc. it is part of the cycle of spiritual formation. Sometimes in the valley you can't see what waits over the next mountain. Can we believe that God is using this time in the Christian's life to prepare him for the next time of abundance, ministry, growth...?

Many scholars believe that Paul dealt with depression at least one time. Check out 2 Corinthians:

2 Cor. 1:8
For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life;

2 Cor. 2:12-13
Now when I came to Troas for the gospel of Christ and when a door was opened for me in the Lord,
I had no rest for my spirit, not finding Titus my brother; but taking my leave of them, I went on to Macedonia.

2 Cor. 7:5-7
For even when we came into Macedonia our flesh had no rest, but we were afflicted on every side: conflicts without, fears within. But God, who comforts the depressed, comforted us by the coming of Titus; and not only by his coming, but also by the comfort with which he was comforted in you, as he reported to us your longing, your mourning, your zeal for me; so that I rejoiced even more.

Let's set this in context. This is Paul we are talking about here. Fearless, Spirit wielding, kickin' butt and takin' names apostle and church planter. He starts out this letter by saying the affliction he went through in Asia caused him to be burdened excessively. Sounds pretty heavy. How heavy? Beyond our strength heavy. What did it cause him to do? Despair even of life. Sounds like depression to me...

Now, the way I remember it was (I could be wrong here).... Paul was so depressed about what was going on where he was, and in Corinth (the problems addressed in 1 Corinthians) that Paul, the super-Churchplanter, didn't even want to go to Troas where there was clearly an open door. That doesn't sound like the Paul that I know and love.... So he goes to Macedonia instead, where his flesh has no rest, he is beset by conflicts without and fears within. Kinda sounds like he might be "feeling sorry for himself" to me.....but that's not the end of the story....

God comforts the depressed! How does He do it? By the presence of a friend. Paul seems to be reminding himself in the letter...

2 Cor. 4:1 ...we do not lose heart...
2 Cor. 4:16 ...we do not lose heart...
2 Cor. 5:1ff Even if this earthly tent is torn down. I will not lose heart! (My paraphrase)

I don't think it's helpful to blame, criticize, deny, or try to fix the depression, doubt, struggle (wilderness experiences) of our brothers and sisters in Christ. I think God can, and does, use those times for His purposes. If Paul went through it, what makes us any different? What the person needs to hear is "Don't lose heart" as they are blessed by the presence of a friend.

Rant Alert

Is it just me, or does all this anti-Semitic crap about Mel Gibson's movie get on your nerves? I happened across a Newsweek article about the move here. I don't agree with everything they say, but they get the conclusion right: Christians being anti-Semitic is like someone hating themselves....and it sure is good to know I can count on Newsweek to set the theologians straight!

Here's my beef. I've been a Christian for awhile. I have NEVER been around any openly anti-Semetic Christians. I have worshiped with quite a few Messianic Jews though. Maybe I have my head stuck in the sand, but this seems like trying to punish me for what other other countries did years ago. Where does this kinda stuff come from? Is there a Christian version of the KKK that persecutes Jewish people? Don't get me wrong. Given the historical situation Jewish people have a right to be sensitive about being portrayed in a negative light, but JESUS WAS JEWISH!!!! This seems like subtle racial warfare to me. Then again, maybe I'm nuts....

I think, in reality, these people are scared to death of the Gospel.

What is God doing?

Blue and Trish have a good discussion going on about "depression" and what God sometimes does through it.

I've never really been "depressed", so I'm not sure I would know what it feels like. I'm not sure I really care, other than I know it paralyzes some people and causes them to do some horrible, hopeless things. I really don't know what I'm going through right now. There is a certain amount of hopelessness involved, but maybe hopelessness can be a positive thing....Maybe I'm losing the hope of MY dreams, MY plans, MY perceptions of who God is, MY perceptions of what God should do etc. I feel rather hopeless about developing long-term intimate relationships within the context of a community. I am frustrated because I don't have friendships and connectedness that the Rains, Marshalls and Creechs have with each other...

While I feel like crap right now about some things I still don't necessarily feel that what I am going through is "bad" or unhealthy. I felt like Blue for my first 5 years of being a follower of Jesus. Now after 10 years I am in a different place. It would be nice to know what is on the other side....but isn't that the fun of the journey? You never know if an elf or an orc awaits around the corner.....

Thanks for all of the support, comments, suggestions and assorted "excrament" :-) . I think that this article may explain some of what I am going through....

Waiting vs. Taking the Risk

There are two schools of thought when it comes to knowing God's will. The first is to take the risk and see what God does. The second is to wait to "hear God's voice" before you do anything. I've taken risks, thinking that I heard God's voice and things turned out horrendous. I know people who pray to hear from God about every little thing....what shoes to wear, boxers or briefs etc. and that just seems to border on kooky to me.

So what are the practicalities of "hearing God's voice"? I know when I pray about just about anything I hear "No". This could just be a personality issue of someone who doesn't like to take risks (obviously, I do anyway). So how long do you wait? I read the Bible. Take quiet times. Meditate. Study... I get the feeling I could fast until I was a stick and still not hear God's voice..... The cost is just to great for my family and me for me to get it wrong again...

Here is a reply that I wrote to a good friend about my views on church and where I am at spiritually right now....Kinda scattered, but then again so am I....


I believe that God loves the church too. I don't think he has given up either. But here are some things I think we need to think about...

If the "church" is a place where people cannot use their God-given spiritual gifts, is it then, really the Church? Paul clearly assumes that the gifts will be used....

If the "church" is a place where people can come to "worship", yet never be worshipers, is it then, really the Church?

If the "church" is a place where people read the Scriptures, but are never challenged to understand and live out what they read, is it then, really the Church?

If the "church" is a place where they keep people so busy they have no time to get to know their next door neighbor, to be a Good Samaritan, to be a friend....is it really the Church?

I don't feel that I am "leaving" the church. I think that maybe we had church when we gathered at Rusty's house, worshiped, studied, prayed, challenged, got vulnerable etc. When God wanted to change the world he sent Jesus to train a small group of people who went out and made other small groups of people (If I remember correctly The Master Plan of Evangelism affirms this). Maybe the Church is a place where 2 or 3 are gathered in the name of Christ trying to love God with all their heart, soul and strength and REALLY trying to love their (nextdoor) neighbor as Christ loved them. Maybe there is nothing wrong with being small. Maybe God doesn't care about church growth principles, Sunday morning shows, maybe they even make him puke. When Jesus came, he challenged the religious status quo, but then he died and rose from the dead and made the status quo irrelvelant. Maybe that is what is going on now...the status quo (programatic, institutional church) is becoming irrelevant.

You're right. Corporate worship is awesome when you are with people who are seeking God. But, I've had those experiences in the context of small communities of people, and to be honest I can't think of tremendous life change in my own life that came from a corporate worship service. I think the questions that I'm asking are the right ones. I think asking the right questions are really what our journey is about...

What is church?
What is a follower of Christ?
What does a follower of Christ do?
How can I be transformed into the image of Christ? How does the Church help me? What role do friendships have in my transformation....

Really, the issues I am dealing with right now are more fundamental than that. I look at my own experiences and wonder if God really cares where I work, where I live etc. I question whether he cares about us in a personal way. Why is it that his word says "Ask in prayer, believing and you shall receive"...then you see His people get snakes and stones rather than the bread they asked for? Yea, it's all part of the big unseen plan we can't comprehend....but that makes God quite distant doesnt it? Using people for His purposes at the expense of their lives. Or, maybe we are mistaken when we think we "hear God's voice". Then why wouldn't a loving God correct the mistake before the poop hits the fan? Again, part of the big unseen plan? If I really believe Kingdom Theology, which says that God's Kingdom has broken into the present with a taste of the future, shouldn't we be tasting that future? Shouldn't people who follow him be unmistakably blessed? I've known very few people in that category.

I don't doubt God's existence. I've seen and know too much to know better. What I wonder about is just how close God is... How personal he is.... The theological answers I get about why God allows suffering just doesn't cut it, especially suffering of people who are called by His name. If God, in Jesus Christ, is putting the world back together the way it should be, using his people to be a transforming agent in the world....does that make you feel good knowing the current state of the church?

I don't think there are easy answers to these questions. I think those that have the easy answers haven't truely wrestled with these issues. I don't feel like I am in a place that i shouldn't be either. I still don't think God is afraid of my questions. Maybe this is part of the journey...So I'll wrestle until God blesses me and keep asking Him until I get some answers....

Trish enters the Blog world today! Find her at http://trulytrish.blogspot.com/

Crisis

Okay. I've spent the past few days in quiet, songwriting, listening, studying etc. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and realized there are some fundamental self-worth issues that are still prevalent in my life. There are some areas of my life that God has not chosen to heal. It's not about trying, or counseling, or therapy either. It's shit that I have placed before God, asked him to take, heal, transform etc. and he has chosen not to do so. Part of it comes from the fact that I have stuttered all of my life. Sometimes its better, sometimes its worse, but its always there and I'm always aware of it. It makes me feel like shit, as much as I try to make myself think that it doesn't matter. Communication is so vital and I feel handicapped.

So how does this play into Kingdom Theology? If God is re-establishing the correct order of things why wouldn't he start with his own children? Why wouldn't he break into the "now" and give me a taste of the "not yet"? And I'm not sure I buy that "thorn in the flesh" shit either.

I'll go further. I gave up a good job, making good money to follow what I thought was the call of God. Now three years later I don't even have a job. I came here to finish my Bachelors degree to be a "worship leader". The problem is my view of church has so radically changed that there is no way I can work at a church again. I really don't have any other gifts or skills. I'm average at everything and great at nothing. I realized the other day that I have lost every dream that I ever had. I don't have any dreams left. I was reading a book that talked about making goals, and I can't even think of one. Finish school...that's about it. Don't know what will happen afterward.

So I've asked God to give me some real direction. Some unmistakable dreams and goals..........I'm waiting........Still haven't heard from him........I'm starting to wonder if he gives a shit.........I guess this is a crisis of faith........

WWE
I've got a lot of stuff ruminating in the depths of my mind. Some good, some not so good. I have my final statistics project due tonight, so I don't have much time to Blog. Shorthand version:

Wrestling with issues of self-worth
Wrestling with dreams, goals and purpose in life vs. Call/Gifts
Wrestling with God
Wrestling with the fact that my wife and mom think I'm depressed

Wrestling doesn't scare me. I'm a wrestling fan. Sometimes I just want to know when the match is gonna end....

Read this.

Then read this.

Really it's alright, go ahead and read them....the first will disturb you and the second will challenge you...

Spiritual Discipline Resources...

For my final project at school I am doing a survey of the church I currently attend to see if their level of perceived spirituality is consistent with actual time spent doing spiritual disciplines. I have to do a literature review, and I've hit the ones that I know of: Willard, Foster, Ortberg....Do you have any books to suggest that have really helped you on your journey regarding the disciplines?

Needing Your Prayers...

So I go to my Grandma's funeral to honor her and to support my mom. My Grandma married a guy 25 years ago that is a little odd, to put it mildly. No offense, I know everyone from Tennessee isn't like this, but he is a backwoods, hillbilly type. He has passed his insecurities and issues on to his kids, so our trip was stress filled. There was so much tension at the viewing that our side of the family wasn't even introduced to anyone from the other side. I won't go into all of the details....it was not fun.

Once again I was struck by the impermanance of our life on earth. I saw my Grandma in the casket and everything that she was, was gone. She was just an empty shell. It just reminds me that there is more to our life than what we see, touch, taste and feel.

Then Trish gets an email from her mom that is pure venom. Hateful, vicious stuff, meant for evil purposes. I can't understand a mother who would do that kind of crap to their child. We made the decision some time ago that we did not want her around our family. Emails, phone calls and pictures would have to suffice as "honoring" her.

All of this is just another reminder that we are to be family to each other in the Kingdom of God. Spiritual fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters. Something that can only be accomplished as we gather in small communities where love, honesty, and openness can flurish and we can stand by each other as we deal with the crap of life.