Spirituality That Transforms

One of my main critiques of religion has centered on the idea of transformation. My opinion has been that if a religion does not aid in transformation it is impotent. If religion is authentic it should provide results. I’ve been doing research on Integral Theory, which I blogged briefly about in an earlier post. I recently came across this article by Ken Wilber entitled “A Spirituality That Transforms”, that explains a lot of what I have experienced, in and out of organized religion, and why authentic transformation is so rare.

First, Wilber lays out the case that there are two basic functions of religion:

1. Translation – A way of creating meaning for the self that is viewed as horizontal. These are usually new ways to think or feel about reality, a new idea, belief, language or paradigm.
2. Transformation – Radical transformation at the deepest seat of consciousness. Viewed as vertical. The very process of translation itself is challenged, and the self is inquired into, ultimately ending in the “death of the self”.
   

Wilber says that translation is the most prevalent function of religion. It is a way of trying to understand and translate the uncertainty, suffering and apparent futility of life, while transformation is the product of the "death of self".

If I was my old “Institutionalized Church Self”, I would pick apart the definitions and toss this stuff casually on the trash heap. But, it just explains too much of my experience. I’ve experienced transformation. And I guess I continue to experience it. I beat my head against the wall trying to help others experience it in an organized setting. I’ve been pissed off, outraged, angry, hurt, disillusioned, sad etc. because I just couldn’t understand why the typical church (leaders and members) wanted nothing to do with transformation. So, I left organized religion and continued transforming (and I'm no longer pissed off, outraged, angry, hurt, disillusioned, sad etc) .

Generally, institutional church leadership doesn’t want to deal with transformation. It is often times an ugly, uncertain, messy process when one dies to one’s self. It may entail deep soul searching similar to psychoanalysis to peal away the layers of the onion that is the ego, not to mention being open to eastern spiritual disciplines. Additionally, in my experience, I’ve found transformation to be realized by individuals and not usually by large groups (unless those who are experiencing transformation decide to meet together). Could it be that church leadership is scared of authentic transformation? Not only can it be messy, but transformation by necessity challenges the status quo because it challenges translation itself.

Quite honestly, most of the church leaders I’ve worked with simply didn’t have time to deal with it even if they wanted to, and because the church leaders appear content with translation, so do the masses. Wilber says, transformation “does not render the self content, it renders it undone.”
Wilber lays out the case that very few people undergo any type of radical transformation and that leaves the masses involved in “at best, various types of horizontal, translative, merely legitimate religion: they were involved in magical practices, mythical beliefs, egoic petitionary prayer, magical rituals, and so on.” I’d add that translation is far easier to deal with on a corporate level. It can be preached from the pulpit or taught in Sunday school and requires very little personal interaction. Further, it is fairly easy to control because it is primarily informational. Unfortunately, by itself, it does nothing more than shore up the ego.

Wilber’s solution to this problem? It’s integral. Surprised? Offer authentic and radical transformation with “an approach that honors and incorporates many lesser transformative and translative practices--covering the physical, emotional, mental, cultural, and communal aspects of the human being--in preparation for, and as an expression of, the ultimate transformation into the always already present state.” Religion, in its best forms, can provide the social framework for people to experience transformation. Transformation is eros/upward/expansive, the church is agape/horizontal/caring. Instead of churches full of people with ideas in their minds, we would have pews filled with people consciously experiencing God in their ever day life.

“Thus, the authentic spiritual camps have the heart and soul of the great transformative traditions, and yet they will always do two things at once: appreciate and engage the lesser and translative practices (upon which their own successes usually depend), but also issue a thundering shout from the heart that translation alone is not enough.” I think this points to what I’ve done in my institutional church experience, and what I continue to do here. Sometimes with more or less tact, grace and loving-kindness.

There are some more interesting insights in this article. Maybe I will touch on those later. . .

Death Wish

Awhile back I was walking with my daughter in the park behind our house. I live in the 'burbs and having a little oasis so close is nice. Anyway, it was a beautiful morning at a place I visit often when I want to get "centered". We were silent, just observing and I said, " You know, when I die why don't you scatter my ashes here." She thought I was being morbid, as most people do when you discuss death, but I assured her that someday I would die. It's not a big deal. Whatever is born, must die.

What is your death wish? Does it matter to you how your remains are disposed of?

Here is a quote and a song that describes my feelings:

"Everything in nature gives in its death; stars die and whole solar systems begin to evolve from the impregnation of the exploded stellar matter. Trees die, and from their wood human beings build homes and furniture, statues and Stradivariuses. If humans died in a healthy culture, they would not lock out the earth in metal coffins and carve their names on stone monuments, but would instead place the naked body in the earth and plant a tree above the silent heart."

-William Irwin Thompson

Holy Holons!

So, part of my journey has been exploring other faiths, philosophies and practices. To be honest it is overwhelming! I wish I was Neo with a port in my head so I could download all of the things I find interesting and truthful!

Some of my loose criteria have been:

• A religion/philosophy/practice should show results.

• A proper worldview should not have to discount science to believe in religion or vice verse.

• The things that all religions have in common are likely pointing toward God/ultimate truth.
  

• Is it able to make sense of both outer physical realities and inner spiritual experiences?

• Does it provide a truthful view of reality? Not all religions and philosophies are created equal.

In my ramblings I stumbled across Ken Wilber and his Integral Theory. It took me a while to understand the jargon, but being a determined person when it suits my fancy, I plodded through. I've come to find some very interesting and useful ways to view the cosmos, philosophy, religion and spiritual practices that fulfill most of the above criteria. It is a little "heady" to understand at first, but ultimately comes back personal practice.

There is no way to adequately explain it in this forum and with my limited intellect. Here are some resources for those interested. I'll be picking a few topics that I've found particularly interesting or helpful.

Introduction to Integral Theory and Practice

An Integral Age at the Leading Edge

Spirituality and the 3 Strands of Deep Science

A Spirituality That Transforms

Religious, But Not Spiritual (Father Thomas Keating)

The Future of Christianity

No. I am not presumptuous enough to think I know the future of Christianity. But, these are two guys I respect and I do think that Integral Theory could prove useful to contemporary Christianity. Looks interesting...

Already?

I made my election prediction here.

The guy isn't even in office yet! So, this is probably just the start....

Death, Silence, Beauty

I apologize for my silence here. No, actually I don't.

I've been covering a coworkers vacation and working 3rd Shift. We got a new dog (partially against my better judgment, but hey, I'm a softy). Trish's Grandma moved on from this world, and Trish is in SLC for the funeral. Life is just generally....busy and beautiful.

Some random thoughts and ruminating from my distorted perspective on life and spirituality:

• Ken Wilber's Integral Theory is perhaps the most complete explanation of how I believe our universe works. I didn't know much about it, but it is a harmonization of science and spirituality that allows each its place. I'll be posting more later.

• Teens and pre-teens can be completely different people from one day to the next, heck from one minute to the next. What happened to my sweet little kids?

• Was Jesus a non-dualist?

• Brand new Christmas lights will still wait until the tree is completely decorated for half of the strand to go out. I suspect they have some sort of intelligence.

In Memory of Maggie

Our family dog suddenly moved on to the next realm of existence yesterday. It's been couple days of dealing with grief, digging holes, and thinking about the impermanence of life. Here's a few observations:

Life is ultimately unsatisfactory.

Death is so quick, casual and non-discriminate that it leads me to believe there is something on the other side, though I don't have enough information to know what it is with certainty.

It broke my heart to have to carry the carcass of a being that was once fully alive.

I don't grieve for the being that has died, but for myself.

Time is short. Nothing is certain. Love hard. Love Deep. Love as long as you have breath.

Dedication to Reality

Some would call my spiritual quest foolish, heretical, dangerousw ... I would say that it is merely a dedication to reality and the truth. I am rereading The Road Less Traveled and I wanted to touch on the chapter on Discipline.

Peck says the our view of reality is like a map. They lie somewhere on a continuum of true and accurate to delusional and false. The better map we have, the better choices we make, the more we are able to experience peace, hope and love. So, get a good map, have a good life.

The problem is that we are not born with maps. We have to make them and that requires effort. Dang it. There is always a monkey wrench, isn't there ....? And to make things worse, reality is not static, it is always changing. So, we must continually revise our maps. Double dang it. (Can you tell I tend toward laziness?)

Many people stop revising their map at some point in their lives. I am blessed/cursed to not be one of those people. Why do people stop revising their maps? Pain.

It is painful to revise our maps, it entails "letting go". We must let go of our old beliefs, attachments, theories, questions that have become so comfortable. In fact, we may even view them as our "self". None of us wants our "self" to die, but if we are going to have more accurate maps, die it must. Some people are not willing to suffer, so they stop revising.

"...we must continually revise our maps, and sometimes when enough new information has accumulated, we must make very major revisions. The process of making revisions, particularly major revisions, is painful and sometimes excruciatingly painful. And herein lies the major source of many of the ills of mankind."

Peck says that some will actively or passively ignore the new information in order to preserve their comfort and avoid suffering.

"We may denounce information as false, dangerous, heretical, the work of the devil. We may actually crusade against it and even attempt to manipulate the world so as to make it conform to our view of reality. Rather than to try change the map, an individual may try to destroy the new reality. Sadly, such a person may expend much more energy ultimately in defending an outmoded view of the world than would have been required to revise and correct it in the first place."

I've burned a few maps in the past couple of years. There is suffering involved. In fact, later in the book Peck says that depression is a form of "letting go". Been through that too...but there are new maps. New places to see, new information to learn, new experiences to be had, new people to interact with....

Go make a map!

Whipping Post Nirvana

I'll follow up with some more on True Freedom when I have a chance. . . I love the dialogue! Thanks for participating....

Music is big part of my life, and I don't talk much about it here, but that's going to change. . .

May I just say that under the right conditions that "Whipping Post" from The Allman Brothers Band live album "At Fillmore East" may be considered a spiritual experience. 22 minutes and 44 seconds of heaven.

This is not the album version, but you'll get the flava of some down-home hippie jam band music!

True Freedom

I've come to some conclusions and started asking other questions in my quest. For those who may not know me, these comment come from someone who was very involved in institutional Christianity and has chosen to compare the religion I was raised with to others in an open-minded fashion. These are the semi-scientific, horrifically random thoughts and experiences, nothing more.... It's okay to not agree.

Can you say you are free when things, or people make you angry, miserable, or irritated?

Can you say you are free when situations make you depressed?

Can you say you are free when you crave, desire and obsess about what you do not have?

I spent a large part of my adult life being told Jesus had set me free. Yet, in institutional religion I experienced very little actual freedom. I wonder if institutional religion has a right definition of freedom (that could be debated), but it's ecclesiastical structures (Catholic or Protestant), and it's practical theology, cause their attendees to substitute rules, obligations and trust in hierarchy for true freedom?

True freedom is in the mind. As long as we are a slave to our anxieties and fears, as long as we allow ourselves to be manipulated by people and objects of power, as long as we are afraid in any way to question the structures and people we give authority to, as long as we are unaware that these subtle and not-so-subtle manipulations take place, we are a slave.

Jesus said, "The thief does not come except to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come so that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." Joh 10:10

May I just say, that I have found VERY FEW EXAMPLES of anyone in institutional Christianity that I would consider a good example of this verse.

For all of the crusades and preaching, for all of the Sacraments partaken, for all of the hymns sung, for all of the money spent, Christians, as a whole, do not seem to be morally or spiritually superior to adherents of any other religion, or people of no religion at all. In fact, they appear to be far less spiritually advanced then adherents to other religions depending on the criteria (Buddhism or Jainism comes to mind). I have to ask myself why?

Why is it that the people that have accepted the freedom of Christ choose to live in such small ideological boxes? Why is that any criticism of a denomination, or a particular religion is met with such hateful resistance from people that should be full of peace, joy and love? If, after all, they have a benefit that Non-Christians don't have: the One True God living inside of them.

I have to conclude that:

1. Either the forms of Western Christianity that I've been exposed to simply are inadequate to help people live in true freedom.

2. The concept of "Christ within" is simply false. After all if Christ really lived within His people, should not at least a majority of the members live freely, with joy, peace and love?

3. Perhaps Western Christianity has completely misunderstood what Jesus was talking about and has evolved into something it was never intended to be.

4. All of the above?

5. Other reasons I have mentioned. Feel free to enlighten me....

Paul said, "Christ has set us free so that we may enjoy the benefits of freedom. So keep on standing firm in it, and stop attaching yourselves to the yoke of slavery again." Gal 5:1

What are the benefits? What does it mean to stand firm in freedom? What is the yoke of slavery that people are ATTACHING themselves to? I can say that this verse means something entirely different to me now then it did when I was immersed in institutional Christianity.

Why would people who have been granted FREEDOM by God allow themselves to be slaves to religious concepts, hierarchies and habits? In my personal experience it is a multifaceted answer. I was ignorant. I was lazy. I was deluded. I lacked a concept of personal responsibility for my own spiritual life. I wanted the easy way out. I was willing to let the pastor, priest, tradition, community tell me what was best for me spiritually, whether or not it actually worked for me. I put all my eggs in my tradition's "spiritual basket" and then defended it to the hilt when someone questions it. When I was confronted by the kind of people like me, who ask the hard questions, I either got angry, or blew them off as people who were lost, or did not understand. I did these things because I had self-identified myself with that particular tradition. I was a slave to a concept that existed only in my mind.

So, what is true freedom and are there beliefs or practices that help us attain it? Or, do we already have it and are deluded into thinking we are not free? Is freedom in the mind or external? I don't know....maybe I'll post more later....

Religion - Missing the Point

The Catholic "religious leaders", being placed in positions of moral authority by their flock, now have the audacity to tell people how they should vote. Not only that, but threaten them with hell if they voted for the wrong person!!! Article here.

The priest said that Catholic's vote for Obama was "material cooperation with intrinsic evil". Ugh, and raping little boys is only deserving of priests going to retirement homes for the rest of their Catholic service?

Please don't get me wrong. I am not anti-Catholic. But I do think that just about all of Western, organized Christianity has become completely irrelevant. It is unable to do the thing that our world needs most" help people on the spiritual journey of life. This is just another adventure in religion missing the point.

Religious people give all kinds of authority to the people they see as "leaders". Then the leaders have the obligation to tell, persuade, cajole, threaten, guilt etc. to get the "flock" to do what the leaders think is right. It happens all the time, in just about every form of organized religion, but it has reached idiotic heights in western Christianity.

Perhaps we should quit placing ourselves under the authority of "leaders", and learn to trust ourselves when it comes to spirituality.

The Beer of Life

Not that I need another reason to drink beer, but. . .

However it is a little disconcerting that even beer is getting genetically modified. IS NOTHING SACRED!!!!

America's Swan Song

I don't blog about politics much. While I relate to politics and nationalism in a drastically different way than I used to, and I really only care in as much as these issues effect personal freedom. But, I am still aware of what is going on in our country.

I have no "faith" (see my last post) that US government is the answer to fix the core problems of our country. The core problems can only be fixed by personal responsibility, discipline and spirituality. Unfortunately, times aren't bad enough for the majority of people to resort to those drastic measures.

Here are few things that I think confirm the challenges of a country that is in the last stages of democracy and capitalism, or in other words that we are late stage Rome.

The government is scared to death of this financial crisis. I assume they know more about this crisis than I do (maybe that's a bad assumption). They are concocting all kinds of schemes to keep people consuming and spending, which is why we are in this financial mess in the first place. I think there is a chance that no matter what the government does this house of cards will fall anyway.

Most of the governments solutions to the financial problems are Socialist. The government now is in charge of a huge portion of our nations wealth. They have mismanaged our tax dollars to the tune of $10 trillion, so I'm sure they can do a good job of managing all these new assets...

We just elected another President who bought and promised his way into the position. But, already the promises for "change" look like hollow words.

My 8 year-old's school has decided to teach them about the details of drug use. My 8 year-old needed to taught the details about huffing glue, cocaine and assorted other drugs that he knew nothing about previously. That will get him good and curious! So, the state is now taking it upon themselves to parent our children without our approval or knowledge.

Our state, and most others, continues to take their peoples property under eminent domain laws, and force the public to spend money just defend their homes.

And most damning, Americans continue to be happy to relinquish their freedom in return for "security and peace". We continue to look to the government to solve our personal problems.

I would take the time to find supporting links to all of these issues, but they are easy to find. These are interesting times we live in. . .

Faith

I was having a discussion with a friend who is preparing to exit the IC. I was trying to explain where I am on this crazy spiritual journey and he said that it sounds like I am discounting anything that requires faith. He is right, depending on how you define "faith".

I came across this interesting site called Live Real that gives lots of definitions. If you think you do, or don't have "faith" I encourage you to read all the descriptions on the site. I'll throw a few out there that I thought were interesting:

It is "The substance of things hoped for, the evidence for things unseen."

It is another way of saying that you have no proof.

It is an act of imagining the way we wish things actually were, and stubbornly insisting that it is that way, regardless of any amount of evidence to the contrary.

It is the effort to try to make yourself believe in something you really don't.

It is a concept of something that people resort to when they suffer or get themselves into trouble.

Whatever it is, if you have it, you'll be OK; and if you don't have it, you're in for a lot of pain and suffering.

An emotional state of conviction manufactured by emotional speakers at lectures, rallies, revivals, and crusades; in other words, it is the result of a successful sales pitch from a charismatic figure.

Ambrose Bierce: "Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."

It is a polite way of saying "Please shut up, and stop asking me questions I don't have the answers to."

It is a deep inner state of being which gives one a profound and unshakable trust in life.

H. L. Mencken: "An illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable."

A state of confidence which tends to be shattered by inevitable tragedies.

A weapon of defense against not-knowing; also a philosophical trump-card one pulls as a means of telling folks who are asking difficult, complex, or disturbing questions to basically shut up.

Something called up when faced with a question or situation that one does not understand or cannot solve, which in normal circumstances, enables one to easily rationalize one's failing to put forth any effort to understand, or even attempt to understand even the problem, much less the solution, and so enabling one to relax into a comfortable security of believing that high-ranking spiritual figures are on your side in doing so.

It is an word that describes a process of insisting that you believe in a statement, phrase, or position, and refusing under any conditions to consider, question, or doubt anything contrary to it.

Another word for "inner strength."

An intuition that there is an Answer to The Problem of Life.

Something that is preserved through avoiding, dodging, and hiding from doubting, thinking, and objective analysis.

Something that is arrived at after an intense period of doubting, thinking, and objective analysis.

"I discovered later, and I am still discovering right up to this moment, that it is only by living completely in this world that one learns to have faith. By this-worldliness I mean living unreservedly in lifes' duties, problems, successes and failures. In so doing, we throw ourselves completely into the arms of God. Taking seriously, not our own sufferings, but those of God in the world. That, I think, is faith." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Christianity At Work

Another great example of the power of Christianity....Here.

Questions

In his book "The Road Less Traveled", M. Scott Peck says that the spiritual journey is about learning new things. For us to learn new things we must be willing to let our old thoughts and preconceptions die. "To develop a broader vision we must be willing to forsake, to kill, our narrower vision." Letting part of myself die is not comfortable, it is not easy, but I agree it is a necessary part of the journey.

Peck continues, "We begin by distrusting what we already believe, by actively seeking the threatening and unfamiliar, by deliberately challenging the validity of what we have been previously taught and hold dear. The path to holiness lies through questioning everything."

Herein lies the problem. Questions hurt. They are scary. They take us to unfamiliar places. But, on the other hand questions make us alive, and may lead us to beauty and peace. Our institutions (government, schools, churches) teach us that asking questions and alternative points of view are dangerous. Just a few examples: look at the rhetoric against the Libertarian Party, school programs like DARE that serve no purpose but scaring children, and fear that churches have towards eastern religions just to name a few.

What kind of questions do you ask? Where do you draw the line in asking questions? What if you know there was nothing to fear on the other side of your questions? Really, how could there be anything to fear. On the other side of your questions and doubts, in your own experience, you will find truth. That's not so scary....

My Election Day Prediction

Like you really care...

I predict that no matter who gets elected, the supporters will be sorely disappointed in a couple of years.

We had a little college girl come to our door to try to persuade me to vote for Obama. I politely let her know that my leanings were toward smaller government, less taxes and more freedom and she quickly ran away....

I have no illusion that politics is a solution to the core issues of our problems as a nation. Americas problems are greed, aversion and delusion and will only begin to be addressed when a large number of individuals begin to see themselves, their families, their communities, their state, their country and the world from an enlightened perspective.

Now I'm going outside to enjoy a cigar and the fall colors and know that no matter who gets elected, or what happens in our country, I am free.

Lawsuit Against God?

Lawsuit Against God article.

I have a problem when God refuses to be accountable...he could of at least sent a prophet to speak for Him!

Life After Death

There are many views of life after death. Here are a few options, if I've left some out feel free to let me know. I'd love to hear what view you hold and why...

• We go to heaven is paradise with God, literal streets of gold, a literal tree of life, and a crystal clear river that proceeds from God's throne. Or, we go to a literal hell where our flesh burns forever in darkness outside of God's presence.

• We attain different levels of heaven depending on how we lived on earth.

• We go to an intermediate, neutral place where we await a bodily resurrection.
  

• Heaven and hell are considered metaphors for our bliss or regret over what we have done and how we have lived in our time on this earth.

• When we die our body rots in the ground and nothing about us continues to exist. (annihilation)

• Our energy continues to exist (it cannot be created or destroyed), but there is no soul/spirit/self that is conscious.
  

• Our soul /spirit is reborn into a human fetus or newborn child.

• Our soul/spirit/energy is reborn into another living entity, not necessarily human.

• There is not enough information to make a solid decision. I don't know.
  

• The issue is immaterial to how I live here and now. I don't care.
  

Letting Go

Interesting discussion here.

Here is my comment on "letting go".

It's funny that you blog about "letting go". I told my wife the other day that life is just a series of letting go's. Actually, that's not quite accurate though. Our early life is a series of desiring, grasping, clinging, building, striving... Our ego's are developing, we are finding out "who we are", our likes and dislikes, our attractions and aversions. We we worry about losing what we have gained, we want to gain more, rise higher...my teen and preteen are right in the middle of it, and while I know where the ego ends, it is a necessary part of life for them, so I have to "let them go" too.

At 40 years old I realized that, if I live to an average age for a man (certainly no guarantees), half of my life was over. What did I want the other half to be like? Did I like who I was? What I was doing? So, I made some changes that have led to interacting with the world, and people and my ego in a completely different way. Instead of having this low level static of general discontent in my life, I've rested in who I am, and the circumstances I'm in, like sitting in a comfortable easy chair perfectly molded to my body after years of use.

I believe the reason that "letting go" is huge part of the spiritual journey is that grasping, clinging, holding, striving etc. produces suffering. In my ego, I want things to last forever, but nothing does, so I suffer. In my ego, I want to be the center of everything, but I'm just one of billions. In my ego, I believe I own my possessions, but in reality they are only mine until someone else wants them more, they get lost, or they get destroyed. I want those I love to stay forever, but they will leave. In my ego, I want to live forever, but someday I will die. And so, I suffer.

All these realizations entail "letting go". At the end of "letting go" there is freedom.

Silence and Death

Sorry about the silence lately. I've started a new job on second shift and I'm trying to get adjusted. I've got lots going on, but not much time to share at the moment.

I was hired because the person on my shift was out on leave for six months. I could get the hint that it was a serious medical condition, but they really couldn't tell me what was going on. It turns out that he has terminal cancer and it's aggressive. He is the nicest gentleman, which has made what could have been an awkward situation be a blessing for both of us. He is also a man of strong Christian faith.

We have had the opportunity to talk about one of the deepest subjects there is: death. We've had the opportunity to share our beliefs, doubts and curiosities about the subject. And share a few tears. I consider it a privledge to be there at this time.

It's interesting how all of the things I've been learning fit this situation: non-judgment, awareness, suffering and freedom. I've used them all, or maybe they have used me.

It's interesting to be aware of my emotions when death is discussed. There used to be fear. Now it is more like a calm resolution. Why fight it? It will happen. I don't know exactly what waits after death. But based on the beauty, diversity and complexity of our bodies, the world, the universe....I believe it will be pretty cool.

So, for now....silence until my next post.

The "Good Stuff" - Down the Rabbit Hole

If you are a friend of mine and haven't read my blog for awhile, please read the past few posts before you call me a heretic. Thanks.

So, I've explained some of the rational behind this "experiment" here and here. I've described my crisis experience in which I got a glimpse behind the ego-mind (although I didn't know how to describe it at the time).

Much of my time as a conservative Christian was centered around theology, theories, obligation, morality, rules and rituals. None of which helped me experience God in a significant way. Most of the changes in my life were either short lived, or were more an act of shoving a round peg into a square hole. The holistic, natural change that comes from inner peace and joy were absent.

So around the time of this "ego-mind experience" I started doing some research on the Tao and Buddhism, looking for the commonalities with what I've been taught and experienced. I must say that I resonated with large portions of what I read. I think Buddhism describes reality better than any of the other religions/philosophies that I've participated in (more on that in a later post). But one thing that Buddhism teaches is that you will never experience enlightenment by reading about it. It must be experienced. I completely agree.

I‘ve since learned that the glimpse of awareness and freedom that I experienced was merely a momentary detachment from my ego. In my mind I believed that my security was being threatened. I had lost a sense of self by having no "purpose" in life (no religion, no career, etc.). My identity, as I consciously new it, was being destroyed. Yet, behind it, I received a glimpse of my true self.

You see, the ego wants you to believe you are always safe and secure. It wants you to believe that you are on solid ground. It wants to vanquish any threats to your mind and body. It wants you to think you are the center of the universe. It wants you to think you are separate and alone. It wants you to think that what you can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste are all that exists. It is concerned with self-preservation. It is about panic, fear and confusion. It especially fears death.

The ego does not want you to know the truth: that you are floating on a ball in space in a universe so vast, ancient and diverse it defies understanding. Yet, in that vastness, everything is connected and essentially one. That safety and security are really illusions and an emotional response to the uncertainty of this life. That the inner world is no less real than the physical world. That death, whether psychological, emotional or physical, is nothing to fear, but to be embraced as part of the journey.

I wanted more of the inner peace, joy and clarity that I had experienced. So I began meditating. Bringing awareness into my life everyday life. Quieting my mind. Delving deep into myself.

To be honest, at times, it was quite scary. I did not know what I would find there, and the ego does not die easily. Sometimes it is like falling into nothingness, like when you are drifting off to sleep and you suddenly jerk yourself awake. But in the nothingness is this calm, beautiful, peaceful energy, and if you decide to go down the path you may find yourself resting in it. I've found that the more time you spend in that quiet, peaceful place, the more it seems to shape your life when you are not in that state. And you begin to see beauty everywhere.

But I've found that if you continue the inner journey, you will find the real you that exists outside of time and space. The me that exists beyond the thoughts of who I "think" I am. The me that exists without the baggage of my past. The me that exists without my formulation of what I will be in the future. The me that exists Now and only Now. The me that just is.

It's kind of like The Matrix. My eyes have been suddenly and drastically opened to the world around me. I am of so much more aware of what is around me: aware of the breeze against my skin, the treetops dancing, my own breath... I am aware of the suffering in my own self, viewing it from a distance, letting it settle. Not judging it, but aware of it. I am acutely aware of the suffering of others too. As I’ve said in previous posts, results matter. All I know is that I am experiencing peace, joy and love. I am accepting the circumstances of life, not caught up in the past and future, without judgment. If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Yes, I could couch all this in "Christianized" terms like "metanoia" etc., But they are just terms speaking of the same thing that Buddhists have spoken of for thousands of years. Why reinvent the wheel? For those worried about keeping the Christian label on their faith, may I just say that I think Jesus was influenced more by Eastern religion than most of us think. I think Western Christianity could use to informed by Buddhist philosophy, and the contradictions are probably fewer than what is found in the Bible itself. But that’s another post….

"Good Stuff" Coming Soon

I apologize for not getting to the "good stuff" sooner. I've been writing on it, but to be honest, it's hard to put the workings of the heart into words....and I've just started a new job, and my bro got married last night. Feeling a little rough today.

In the meantime here is a tidbit....

The mind does not like to be quiet. It thrives on creating problems, solving problems etc. Have you ever noticed the steady stream of thoughts during your day? Are they usually about the past or future? What kind of feelings do they produce?

How often do you really quiet your mind? Have you tried? What happened in your experience?

Preface to the "Good Stuff"

We have been on a long spiritual journey. It's been messy, but beautiful. You can read my past posts over the last 5 or 6 years to get a glimpse. The journey has been life-long, but more recently started with questioning if institutional forms of church were helpful in the spiritual journey. I can say that it was not very helpful for me. Additionally, I had serious reservations about attending church with a group of people that believed if a person did not believe in a literal 6-day creation they were not a Christian. That led me to question my understanding of the Bible, how it should be used and it's place in my journey. A process which is still in play...

Let's just say that I would have been considered an exclusivist and an absolutists when it came to Christianity. I held beliefs about Christianity that were intellectually and spiritually arrogant, and misinformed. Part of this journey has been an investigation of science and religion and how they compliment each other which has led me to question my position. The investigation is ongoing and incomplete, but essentially I am asking:

What is the common theme behind our world's religions, and does that tell me anything about human nature in general and what we are seeking?

What does it tell me about the God who created this beautifully diverse world as well as our vast universe?

What philosophies and traditions help me understand the universe and our place in it, the world in which I live, and which produce real, lasting results in my life?

I listened to a lot of Christian radio as a new Christian in Texas. Most of it was radically conservative to the point that they manufactured solutions to refute scientific evidence about the age of the earth, Darwinism etc. Can I just say that if religion or philosophy completely flies in the face of science there is a good chance that its in error? Science is mostly interested in finding truth (meaning, "saying of something that is, that it is"). I just cannot believe that reason has to be thrown out in order to be spiritual person. So, I have remained open to psychology and quantum physics etc. and what they have to say about the universe and the mind.

I am not concerned with the language and labels of Christianity in this journey. If Christianity is what I was taught it is, "the only religion that makes it possible to have a true relationship with God", then it will rise to the top of list. I am not forsaking Christianity, but trying to rightly see its place in the scheme of all religions. I am not forsaking the Bible but trying to see it for what it is and use it appropriately. However, because I have been so ignorant of other religions, traditions, philosophies and sciences I feel that I need to "distance" myself from it for awhile in order to get a better overview.

I'm sure there are plenty of "holes" in my thinking here. I'm not a scientist, or a religious scholar. I'm just a dude that is doing the best he can living life and trying to understand his place in it. I don't know what I will find in the end, but I do know that God is big enough to handle the questions. I am not afraid.

In the end all of the theories and philosophies we have been taught come down to experience. What real, tangible difference does it make in your life? You will have to find that out for yourself...and that's what I'm doing.

The Incredible Collapsing Ego

It's funny. I was just accused of having a "rosie world view". Most people who know me would never say that! I'm a pessimist by nature and I have a knack for finding something wrong with just about everything. Hell, I've been unemployed for nearly six months! I can tell you for a fact this "rosieness" is not the "normal" me. This change in attitude is one of the main reasons that I continue on the spiritual path that I'm on. There are results. Change for the better. Life. Peace. So, I'll take that as a compliment!

Around about the time I quit my job I had a very powerful spiritual experience. I was in a lot of emotional, psychological and spiritual pain. I was confused, hurt and angry. Life was not turning out how I planned it. Our business plans were shot dead. I was in a dead-end, high stress job working with people that were not even civil a lot of the time. Blah, blah, blah... I guess all the years of wrestling with church and God, and all disappointments finally took there tole.

Then one day as I was driving to work, in that extreme pain, I found myself almost being an observer of myself. That's really the best way I can explain it. Then all of the sudden I felt peace. Not just relief, but probably what Paul talked about when he said, "peace that passes understanding." The tears began to flow. And then I had clarity. I knew I had to quit my job. So I did, not knowing exactly how we would get by. I don't know, you could call it faith, or stupidity. Maybe both.

I couldn't explain exactly what had happened. There was nothing in my christian experience that would explain it except that I had experienced this one other time, when I was first baptized as a new christian. What I experienced then, and many time since, can be best explained as a sudden collapse of the ego. The pain that I was in was caused by resisting what was.

I just could not understand how I could be a "child of God", a "follower of Jesus", a person of the "kingdom of God", a "worship leader" that gave up a great job to help bring people into the "kingdom" etc. and still be fed a shit sandwich in life. Why would a God who cared about his children allow that (feel free to look at my past posts for more on that)? In essence, I was unable to accept what was. I was fighting the Now because christianity had taught me about a God who does miracles, who blesses "his own" etc.

I had just turned 40 years old. Half my life was gone. What did i have to show for it? I was without a career, unemployed, unhappy, angry, mean and lost. All of this suffering because I had a wrong view of God, reality and how life really works.

I'll get into what has happened since in another post. That's the good stuff!!!

The End of the World...Tomorrow?

They fire this thing up tomorrow....they could end the world, or find the fingerprint of God. Either way it's all good.

Political News Coverage

With all of the political B.S. going around in this election year I've struggled to find unbiased, balanced and fair coverage. I may have found the only source you will need to fully understand the complicated issues surrounding this year's election right HERE.

The Ego and Sin

I've been giving some thought and experiencing some interesting results from looking into Buddhism. Quite honestly, some aspects of Buddhism describe the universe and my experiences far better than the Christian tradition I was raised in.

Homebrewer brought up an interesting point in the last post about the ego that I'd like to flesh out here.

My understanding of the ego is that part of my mind which is primarily and ferociously concerned with survival. It is concerned with the past and future and knows nothing of the Now. It identifies and labels form and experience and shoves it in a box (nationalism for example). It attaches my identity to various forms (could be a particular car, designer label, brand, role, job etc.) It causes an endless stream of thinking which feeds physical reactions (emotions) which then fuel more thoughts. It tells me that I am separate, different, and essentially alone. It produces confusion, pride, separateness, self-centeredness, greed, defensiveness and desire, all which lead to suffering.

I am thinking that this is what is called sin in Genesis. The OT writers were trying to describe the reason that our best intentions turn to crap. Why would we forsake a perfect existence with God in a beautiful garden? The ego. Instead of resting in perfect union and peace Adam and Eve viewed themselves as separate from God and made their own judgments and decisions. They wanted an identity of their own.

And what happens? Their "eyes were opened", they "knew they were naked", and they "hid themselves from God's presence". They chose their ego over God and God let them have the consequences of that choice. A life dominated by the ego and separate from God. Not only are they separate from God, but Cain and Abel show us that we are separate from each other too!

Perhaps we are not trapped by our ego. Perhaps Jesus was describing a new way to live that we turned in to theories of salvation. Perhaps we are not separate from God and each other. Perhaps the ego is an illusion that is kept alive by our overactive minds.

I'd love to hear your thoughts....

Who Am I?

I am a son.
I am a brother.
I am a husband.
I am a dad.
I am a musician.
I am an American.
I am a cigar smoker.
I am a beer drinker.
I am a bicyclist.
I am a college graduate.
I am an employee.
I am a co-worker.
I am a neighbor.
I am a friend.
I am a seeker.

One day all that I think I am will cease to be. The boxes that I put myself in will disintegrate like wet cardboard. My five senses, in which I put so much trust, will fade away. My nationality, my likes and dislikes, my habits, my education, my belief systems, my relationships and my titles will mean nothing. The world will disappear. Who am I then?

In that moment, as my ego dies, I will exist stripped of all that I think I am and find that...

I AM.

Who are you?

Mind/Ego/Spirit

I'm really enjoying the conversation here. There is a lot of fertile spiritual ground to be mined in the discussion of how our ego effects our spiritual life and vice versa.

The Danger of the Experiment

One of the pitfalls of living life as an experiment without the "leash" of religious authorities is that we guide the experiment ourselves. We are the mad scientist! That means that my experiences, ego, thoughts etc., define the parameters of the experiment for better or worse.

The limits of my experiences, ego, thoughts etc. can be both positive and negative. The benefit is that I can freely experiment to find the concepts, ideas, and practices that seem to help me observe, understand and live a spiritual life. The negative is that I can become content with less than God has to offer.

The main issue that I see with experimenting with spirituality is that I can endlessly chase my whims. My psychological, emotional, mental and physical predispositions, as well as the experiences I've had, cause me to limit and choose particular spiritual experiences that align with my dispositions. For instance, if I am an intellectual person that has issues with personal relationships I may chose to pursue solitary, intellectual spiritual experiences because that is what I am comfortable with, finding myself satisfied with far less than what God has to offer in the totality of spiritual experience.

For instance, lets say that coming from a non-religious background I am completely satisfied with my experience of going to church every Sunday to fulfill my obligation, ease my guilt and talk to some friends. I have no nagging sense of anything missing in my life, and feel like I am walking with God and leading a "spiritual life". In my opinion, I would be satisfied with far less than God has to offer. Satisfaction is not the same as spirituality, though may be a part of it.

Buddhism teaches that our experience of the world can be understood as ten basic life states called Ten Worlds. I've found this way of understanding life useful in understanding myself and others. In this understanding of the world, tranquility, basically understood as satisfaction, is an experience of calm, peacefulness, and reason. Nothing wrong with that, but each level can also have negative aspects. Tranquility can also lead to laziness, inactivity and passivity. In addition, tranquility is only the fifth level of ten. So if I believe that satisfaction is the goal of life, I have in effect, limited my spiritual experience.

So, what is the solution? I believe that occasionally forcing myself to learn, study and experience spirituality that is outside my limited experiences and understanding may be a healthy way to overcome the danger in the experiment. How else could I know if there are spiritual practices, theories or experiences in this beautifully diverse world that may be helpful in my journey?

Monotheism and Hate

Does monotheism lead to hate?

One critic of religious faith that I've recently read claims that monotheism, in general, seems to foster intolerance. It's hard to argue against it in our current world climate. Judaism has done nothing to foster a resolution with the Palestinians, Muslims are blowing themselves up everyday in the name of Allah, and fundamentalist Christians feel the need to wipe out what they consider to be social liberals.

I don't know if the problem is monotheism itself, but I find it interesting that there is a move toward the extremes in monotheistic religions. On the one side we have "liberal monotheism", influenced by existentialism, that must dismiss a large portion of the scriptures upon which they are based, and on the other hand "fundamentalist monotheism" which turns those same scriptures into fuel for hate and violence.

Perhaps these extremes are what happens when people who have not had an authentic religious experience take control of religious institutions.

What do you think?

Life Is An Experiment

You can tell a toddler that he will fall and hurt himself if he hangs upside-down off the end of the couch. I've not seen a toddler yet that didn't have to find out the truth for himself. Maybe it's something built into our genes. It's just how humans learn.

I believe life is an experiment. We push and pull, give and take, crawl, walk, run all in experimental fashion...we succeed, and we fail, and we learn. We learn what music we like. We learn what diet makes us feel good. We learn what our body can do, and can't do. . .

Why is it different when it comes to spirituality?

I read an article recently that brought home the point. One of the latest studies seems to imply that a large portion of people either dismiss or don't know the fundamental teaching of their faith. I'm no sociologist, but I think one reason is that most people attending organized religious institutions trust their religious leaders to learn, know and diseminate the truth for them. Therefore, they have a limited understanding and experience of their own belief system.

Can I just be honest here? Modern Christianity does not facilitate personal responsibility, and that is a serious liability for any person seeking a spiritual life, and assures the dysfunction of the institution.

When I became a Christian I jumped in with both feet. I wanted to know God, to feel loved by God, to experience talking with and listening to God the way they did in the Bible. So I experimented. I went to church. I took responsibility for my education and went to bible college. But at some point I began to just accept what the educated experts had to say about spirituality and life. I made the assumption that people who were Christians for a long time had experienced deep connection with God, so just did what they did. I tried to cram my experience into the box for a lot of years.

The Apostle Paul said to "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling". (On a side note, Buddha said "Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others" about 500 years earlier.)

I have the choice to blindly accept what "talking heads", experts, and the educated have to say about a particular topic, or I can find out for myself. I've decided to find out for myself.

When I remove the religious authorities from my life the experiment becomes my own. I own it. I begin to be aware of the beliefs and practices that are helpful, useless, or harmful in my life. I begin to see which belief systems best explain the universe as I perceive it. I take personal responsibility for my spiritual journey.

Melvin Klegerman says, "The concept of religion as a universal paradigm means that each person becomes a scientist experimenting with his or her own life, over which he or she has total control."

These are not experiences that I was forced into in order to belong to a religious club. They are not the experiences that a religious leader said I "should have". They are not the experiences of a "church father" from long ago in a distant country. They are mine!

So here's wishing you good questions, spiritual success and failure as you experiment, and a life filled with the freedom and adventure of this beautiful mystery that is life.

P.S. Yes, there are risks involved in taking personal responsibility for our spiritual life, and I may address them in a later post. But I think the benefits far outweigh the risks.

Crash and Burn

My hard drive crashed. Posting from the library.... May be awhile before I post again.

Nothing personal...

Dobson and Obama

Jon Stewart calls out James Dobson regarding his comments about Obama. I can't believe I used to listen to this guy's radio show. Funny stuff!

Click here to watch.

Chiggers

Okay, no one wants to discuss Freewill and Ethics, so what is your best chigger bite remedy?

A nice memento of my mountain biking day with Homebrewer....

Free Will and Ethics

Why Materialists Cheat

The 2008 Shift Report: Changing the Story of Our Future, published by the Institute of Noetic Sciences, recently arrived at the offices of WIE. Among its many other compelling facts, we were struck by this description of an experiment conducted by Kathleen Vohs of the University of Minnesota and Jonathan Schooler of the University of British Columbia that investigated the ways in which believing, or disbelieving, in free will affects moral choices:

[W]hat one believes about free will has an important social consequence.... In the Vohs and Schooler study, [some] participants read passages from The Astonishing Hypothesis by Nobel laureate biologist Francis Crick, which promotes the idea that free will is an illusion: “Who you are is nothing but a pack of neurons.” Others read more neutral statements as a control condition. The results of the study showed that participants who read [Crick's] anti-free will statements were significantly more likely to cheat on several experimental tasks. If exposure to [anti-free will messages] increases the likelihood of unethical actions, then what does this same message, repeated by authoritative scientists and promoted by the media, do to societal behavior?

Interesting. If we are told a bunch of neurons have burned in pathways in our brain that determines our behavior we are likely to be unethical.

I wonder what would happen if they would have said:

You are bunch of neurons, in fact you have as many neurons as there are stars in the universe, with potential to be as creative, beautiful and destructive as the universe itself.

Suffering

The Buddha's discovery to end the problem of suffering started with the realization that life is suffering. Now I had to think about that for awhile. I'm not that sharp, you know. Yeah, I know you know.

Anyway, what I get from this is, that as long as we are alive we will suffer in some form. Birth is a beautiful suffering event form mother and baby. Many people are tortured with mental suffering from abuse, guilt, and psychological disorders. Most of us have one physical malady or another at the least. We have lost loved ones in tragic accidents, or simply from old age. Yes, perhaps to live is to suffer.

As a species, in general, we do not like to suffer. How many inventions, rationalizations and myths have we used to circumvent or delay suffering? Air Conditioning, Refrigerators, Spinal Blocks, Multiple Personality Disorder, and thousands of drugs invented to delay death and ease suffering. . . I could go on, and all would be attempted solutions to the problem of suffering.

Here's the kicker: Most of these "solutions" cause us to suffer even deeper. For instance, a person may develop Multiple Personality Disorder (or a host of other disorders) as a way to deal with a terrible experience and avoid suffering. As we know, psychological disorders are not a path to life without suffering. We create antibiotics to cure bacterial infections, and then we overuse them and develop resistant strains of bacteria for which there is no cure. We create technology that does the "hard work" for us and we get fat and live with lower back pain from sitting on our asses all day. We extend our lives with wonder drugs to cure every ailment, and often wind up in nursing homes with little quality of life. . . Again, I could go on.

Maybe the solution is simply to do as the Buddah said, and accept that suffering is part of life.

What do you think?

Question For You

If you could have witnessed any part of the Gospels first hand, which would it have been?

Freedom and/or Paranoia?

Call me crazy (most people do), but I had some real issues with a letter that came home from my daughter's middle school stating that they were going to have random searches involving police dogs while the kids were at there. It really didn't make me happy when my daughter came home and said it was scary. Not only does it bring about visions Nazi POW camps, but they are treating the good kids criminals, which make up the vast majority of the school. I also just don't like the fact that she will have police dogs barking through the halls as a memory of her school experience.

Next, we have all these red light cameras appearing in our town with no warning. I don't like these things in the first place, but they seem to be appearing at EVERY red light in town. Then I read this article today about a town nearby putting up surveillance cameras everywhere even though the town does not have a crime problem!!! These cameras can zoom in from one mile away. The town has NO written policy regarding the cameras which allows them to use them as they see fit.

I may be paranoid, but I have to say that I called this one.

Coming soon, to a town near you....

“Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.” -Ben Franklin (maybe)

What's your thought?

"Something religious is going on even in scientific work, not in the scientific information itself but in the commitment to the idea that the universe is intelligible and truth is worth seeking. Those are religious convictions. You can't prove scientifically that truth is worth seeking, but it's the conviction that it is worth seeking that underlies all good science. Religion lifts this up and makes it more explicit. It symbolically names that depth, that truth, that meaning, and refers to it in Western theology as God or Allah, or in Eastern thought as Brahman or Tao." - John Haught (Georgetown University)

What is your thought about why we seek truth as species?

Wahoo!!

Just purchased this. Now I need to get these.

Weirdness

We have some wonderful neighbors in our neighborhood! I've never lived anywhere quite like this.

Anyway, we were over at "the girls" house last evening, having a few beers, and we started talking about "spiritual things". We told them that we knew we were weird because we have this intense spiritual journey that most "normal" people don't seem to ever think about.

I guess I am ruined. I just can't help but look at the beauty and diversity of nature and people and see God...

Chip off the ole block?

So my oldest daughter was invited to an award ceremony at her middle school. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal, but she won three awards, including the citizenship award. Here is what the citizenship award is for:

Citizenship:

WE looked for students who exhibited the following standards:

These standards include demonstrating pride and respect towards school, peers, and adults, showing maximum effort in school and other activities, and modeling a positive attitude everyday.

Internally, these students possess strength of character and the courage to make good choices on a regular basis.

The only award I ever received in Middle School was to detention every Saturday.... I love to see that her experience is so different from mine....

Happiness

I posted awhile back that I think the best way to live life is to accept what is without judging it. The fact is, I am not a good judge of what will make me happy. If my circumstances, or objects in this world do not truly bring me happiness, what does? Where does happiness come from?

I happened across this video that attempts answers some these questions from the point of view of psychology. The bottom line is that we make ourselves happy, and science proves it.

Mat 5:8 "You're blessed when you get your inside world--your mind and heart--put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/97

Jill Bolte Taylor: My stroke of insight

I happened across this video and found it very interesting. If you are interested in a place where spirituality and science meet, you might find it interesting too. I haven't had a stroke (as far as I know), but I think I've become a lot more right-brained lately.

I couldn't help but think of the following verse:

Mat 10:6-7
But rather go to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And as you go, proclaim, saying, The kingdom of Heaven is at hand.

Seems to be slow to load. Here is the link.

Live the Questions Now

...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
in Letters to a Young Poet

American Beauty

In 1999 I was in the middle of institutional Christianity and never saw American Beauty. I kept coming across the movie in blogs and different things I've read, so we decided to rent it. Interesting timing....I guess it was blacklisted because the the guy tries to seduce his daughter's friend.

Never mind that the seduction was part of Lester's spiritual awakening, and that he never actually went through with it! (Please see the post below about not being able to judge "good and bad" without all of the information.)

I was struck on MANY levels how similar my life has been to Lester's in the last couple of years. A long, painful realization that I am loved, that I am whole, that life is beautiful...

I guess I could be pretty pissed off
about what happened to me,
but it's hard to stay mad when
there's so much beauty in the world.

Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing
it all at once and it's too much.
My heart fills up like a balloon
that's about to burst.
                 
And then I remember
to relax...      
and stop trying
to hold on to it.
                 
And then it flows
through me like rain,
and I can't feel anything
but gratitude...
                
for every single moment...
of my stupid little life.

You have no idea what
I'm talking about, I'm sure.
                 
But don't worry...
               
You will someday.

-Lester

Resistance is Futile!

I have come to a place in my life where I am not sure I am the best person to judge what is good and bad in my life. I tried to explain this to a friend the other day, but it’s hard to explain ideas that have taken years of life experience to form. I guess I could call it “The Principle of Non-resistance.” It is simply accepting what is, without judging it. I think Jesus implies this way of life in the way he lived, and what he taught, and it has brought peace in my life.

Let me give some background. Those who know me, know that I like to ask questions about life, and you can read my past posts for some of the struggles I’ve had with Institutional Church and with my personal relationship with God. I just could not figure out for the life of me why, if God is a personal God, interested in blessing those who are His, he would not heal His own. I could not understand why I could pour my heart out in prayer for children who were losing their mind in the BD classroom I worked in, and it would have absolutely no affect. I could not understand how I could have sacrificed a good career and friendships to enter full-time ministry and it turn out so badly. I could not understand why a large number of “sold-out Christians” had to use such great effort to conjur up an experience with God that should flow naturally if we have His Spirit in us. These are a few examples of what I was seeing in life.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I had a part in all these issues that I am more than willing to own up to. But hey, I’m just a mere human. Fallible. Weak. Ignorant. God should be able to overcome any of my petty weaknesses and make these situations “right”! But He either doesn’t work like that, or chooses not to make them “right”. At least not my idea of “right”.

At the time these things were excruciatingly painful. I resisted them because I could not understand how a loving, personal God would allow them. All of the situations I’ve mentioned above have been instrumental in making me who I am, and coming to an understanding of life that is non-resistant and peaceful. While I was in the middle of the storm I could not see the sunshine on the other side. I could not see the blessing. So, who am I to judge the situations in my life? How can I possibly label situations as good and bad when I do not have all of the information? Why would I want to when labeling brings discontent, misunderstanding, frustration, anxiety and depression?

I think this is what Jesus was getting at when he said, “ Do not resist evil” and “Let your Yes be Yes, and your No be No.”

So here is the understanding I’ve come to. God has a reason to let the universe unfold as it does. Accept what is. Resistance if futile.

Mat 5:37 Just say 'yes' and 'no.' When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong.
Mat 5:38 "Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.'
Mat 5:39 Is that going to get us anywhere? Here's what I propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it.
Mat 5:40 If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it.
Mat 5:41 And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life.
Mat 5:42 No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.
Mat 5:43 "You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.'
Mat 5:44 I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer,
Mat 5:45 for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best--the sun to warm and the rain to nourish--to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty.
Mat 5:46 If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that.
Mat 5:47 If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.
Mat 5:48 "In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.


Mat 6:31 What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving.
Mat 6:32 People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works.
Mat 6:33 Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
Mat 6:34 "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Questioning Everything?

I was with some friends and we were talking about our spiritual journeys. One person said that she had to give herself permission to question EVERYTHING.

Is that okay?

What if the questions you ask make people you love scared or angry?

What happens when the answers are not considered "orthodox"?

What happens when the answers conflict with institutional versions of "the truth"?

Hello Angry Christians

I used to be one of the people he is talking about.... While I don't agree with everything he says, I think we could have a cup of coffee now.

Now

Here is some stuff I wrote awhile back. I don't know if it still applies, but this represents part of my journey....

I gave Christianity my all. I studied the Bible. I prayed. I volunteered. I worked as a full-time youth worker. I wrote songs. I attended accountability groups. I led small groups. I participated in worship events. I had spiritual experiences. But, looking back, in the end, Christianity did not change me on a fundamental level. I’m not sure the things that did change, needed to be changed in the first place.

Let me give an example. I studied the Bible believing that if I did I would be closer to God, experience God, and be a more useful Christian. I went to Bible College and learned about textual, historical and literary criticism. But for all that knowledge I was never truly at peace. I was never comfortable with who I was in the moment. I was still seeking, still striving, still angry, still restless…still searching.

I am not saying that I never experienced peace. What I am saying is that most of the things that I did and experienced never helped me with the core issues of life. The answers that I got for the big questions only satisfied me for a short time, but over the long haul the questions and doubts crept back in to my heart. I was still searching for validation outside of myself. Something that would make me more “completely myself.” Those things simply are not found in the Bible, or in church, or in the things we do in, and for, any institution.

Not only did the things I do not really help me spiritually, but my thoughts were almost always past or future based. Remembering past events that shaped me (usually for the worse). Looking forward to heaven. Looking forward to the day that I would be free from sin in general, or free from a particular temptation. Believing that suffering now would be turned to joy in the future. Looking forward to the day I would be more loving, more gracious, more at peace... and I was never taught that joy is only available NOW. Inner peace is only available NOW. Peace with God is only available NOW. The most holy moment is NOW. In fact, the ONLY moment is NOW!

It has taken me leaving the Institutional Church. Laying down the things I’ve been taught. Challenging my own beliefs. Asking questions that “shouldn’t be asked.” Crawling through depression so thick that it felt like jello. Feeling no hope, no desire, no motivation. Searching, and finding nothing… coming to the end of my self I begin to realize that under all my effort, under all my beliefs, beneath all my thoughts, there was a beautiful connection with God that transcended my striving, believing and thinking.

I rest. And in that stillness I understand freedom.

The Perfect Night

My perfect night would consist of:

Hanging out with my hot wife.

Listening to a great live jamband.

Drinking good ale and smoking good cigars.

Talking to people about spirituality, religion, and philosophy.

It was a perfect night!

DSO

I saw every tribe, nation and tongue singing together….funny thing is that it was here. Well, at the very least it was three generations of people from very different walks of life.